Denise VS Den

Okay, as most of you who read this blog have guessed, my name isn't actually Den. It's Denise.  My parents, bless their hearts (though I strongly suspect Mom had the most say when it came time to name me properly), were convinced that 'Denise' would suit me for all of my life.  As I've gotten older, this has become so far from the reality that I decided that I would change my name when I was ready to. 

The reason for the desire to change my name stems from being called "Dennis" all through my elementary years and well into middle school.  Every year, without fail, I would be called "Dennis" at least once by a teacher not familiar with my name.  I got picked on a lot for that.  Thankfully, it stopped when I hit high school, mostly due to the fact that my mom worked at the school I attended, so all the teachers knew my name's true pronunciation.  After high school, I went to college....  In English 101, the very first day of class, my professor was taking roll... And yet again, the curse returned.... But I had come prepared.  Moments after "Dennis" ******* was spoken out loud, I looked up, pushed my hood back (at the time, I was wearing an orange hoodie that made me look like a guy from most angles), and calmly said "It's Denise...."  The professor looked at me, looked down at her attendance sheet, looked back at me, and went "Oh... Oh! So it is...." and then I informed her of what I'd prefer to be called... "I prefer 'Den', actually..."

That'd prolly be where I'd say "And the rest is history" ... Except that it's not, really....

To my lawful family, and for all legal purposes, I am still "Denise".  I am still the awkward, inexperienced, oddball of a girl who is apparently destined to never fit in with the rest of the herd and to continue to be in my younger brother's shadow.

To the family I've made over the years (IE: My friends), I'm "Den".  I'm a bit rough around the edges, and quite possibly insane, but for the most part, I'm alright, and what my brother does has no merit on the friendships I've worked at maintaining.

I've come to realize something though.... as "Denise", I feel restricted, like I'm being deliberately held back, and like I will never be good enough in the eyes of my lawful family or in the eyes of some of the people from my past.  As "Den", I feel like the world is mine to shape any way I please, I am the one in control of my fate, and nobody will stand in my way.  Lately, "Denise" has been the one doing the most driving... I'd rather not let that part of me take control.... "Denise" needs to be buried, and looked upon as being the past.  "Den" needs to take charge more often.... I'm very much a work in progress.... I may take the scenic route to get where I'm going, but I'll get there in the end, and that's all that should really matter....

Hrm...

I think, from here on out, I will post solely on this blog when I have an update or thought... if only because I can access this ten times out of ten.  I've been having issues accessing my blog on Blogdrive, which is rather strange, but oh well.

Parents and Myself.... And a bit of a rant...

Thoughts Regarding My Parents and Myself Aug 13, 11

Something I'm having a hard time coming to terms with is the fact that my parents don't approve of me liking anime, Transformers, cosplaying, and my desire to be a graphic designer.  Is it some suppressed sadness that they have allowed themselves to be forced into "growing up" as they've gotten older?  Is it jealousy that I'm doing my own thing without the constraints of what society seems to think I should be doing with my life?  Is it that they just don't like the things I'm into (possibly.  Then again, they're in their 50s, while I'm a 24-year old.  There's a 28-year gap between Mom and me, and she's younger than Dad by two years) ? Or is it fear that they're losing the little girl who used to play with barbies and wanted to be a ballerina or a doctor?  I'm not sure. Ever since I got into anime at around 13-14 years of age, I've been told that I'm "too old" for "cartoons".  I have been told that I am "too old" for dolls.  I've also been told that "A 22, almost 23, year old should NOT still have toys!" by my mother.  Each time I've been told I'm "too old" for something, I've dug my heels in and resisted "growing up".  I currently have over 50 Transformers toys in my possessions, as well as several dolls of various makes, with several in various stages of customization.  I am of the firm belief that I should not have to give up the things that I love just because I reach a certain numerical value that states how long I have been alive.  I have believed this for well over ten years, and I have no intention of changing my tune.  I also do not understand why I should stop cosplaying.  I make all of my costumes, most of them from scratch, and have learned many things from doing so.  I could make my own clothing if supplied with fabric to do so, and I learn about pattern making as well as engineering with the more complicated costumes.  Should I, a 24 year old who is saving her pennies to go to an art school out west (mostly 'cause I'm sick of the cold midwest winters), be forced to give up something that amounts to practice for other, non-costuming-related articles of clothing or whatever I may need to work on in the future to stay comfortable and happy?  No.  I will not accept that apparent "rule" that says that an adult should never dress up in costume aside from Halloween, and then only if one has offspring, or a costume party to attend.  I will not give up doing something I love just to make someone else (my mom, mostly. Though I suspect Dad doesn't think too highly of my cosplaying either... At least I don't dress in things that are overly revealing!  Most of my costumes would be acceptable every-day wear even in polite company!) happy.  In short, despite my parents' aversion to me being me, I will not compromise myself just to please them.  If they can't love me for the odd derp I am, then maybe, just maybe, I need to distance myself from them for good.