Parents and Myself.... And a bit of a rant...

Thoughts Regarding My Parents and Myself Aug 13, 11

Something I'm having a hard time coming to terms with is the fact that my parents don't approve of me liking anime, Transformers, cosplaying, and my desire to be a graphic designer.  Is it some suppressed sadness that they have allowed themselves to be forced into "growing up" as they've gotten older?  Is it jealousy that I'm doing my own thing without the constraints of what society seems to think I should be doing with my life?  Is it that they just don't like the things I'm into (possibly.  Then again, they're in their 50s, while I'm a 24-year old.  There's a 28-year gap between Mom and me, and she's younger than Dad by two years) ? Or is it fear that they're losing the little girl who used to play with barbies and wanted to be a ballerina or a doctor?  I'm not sure. Ever since I got into anime at around 13-14 years of age, I've been told that I'm "too old" for "cartoons".  I have been told that I am "too old" for dolls.  I've also been told that "A 22, almost 23, year old should NOT still have toys!" by my mother.  Each time I've been told I'm "too old" for something, I've dug my heels in and resisted "growing up".  I currently have over 50 Transformers toys in my possessions, as well as several dolls of various makes, with several in various stages of customization.  I am of the firm belief that I should not have to give up the things that I love just because I reach a certain numerical value that states how long I have been alive.  I have believed this for well over ten years, and I have no intention of changing my tune.  I also do not understand why I should stop cosplaying.  I make all of my costumes, most of them from scratch, and have learned many things from doing so.  I could make my own clothing if supplied with fabric to do so, and I learn about pattern making as well as engineering with the more complicated costumes.  Should I, a 24 year old who is saving her pennies to go to an art school out west (mostly 'cause I'm sick of the cold midwest winters), be forced to give up something that amounts to practice for other, non-costuming-related articles of clothing or whatever I may need to work on in the future to stay comfortable and happy?  No.  I will not accept that apparent "rule" that says that an adult should never dress up in costume aside from Halloween, and then only if one has offspring, or a costume party to attend.  I will not give up doing something I love just to make someone else (my mom, mostly. Though I suspect Dad doesn't think too highly of my cosplaying either... At least I don't dress in things that are overly revealing!  Most of my costumes would be acceptable every-day wear even in polite company!) happy.  In short, despite my parents' aversion to me being me, I will not compromise myself just to please them.  If they can't love me for the odd derp I am, then maybe, just maybe, I need to distance myself from them for good.

A Very Serious Topic

... I have no words... May 01, 11

Osama Bin Laden has been killed, according to several well-known news sites like MSNBC and CNN... http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/05/01/bin.laden.obit/index.html?hpt=T1 I remember all too well what I was doing when I first heard about the attack on the World Trade Center.  I was 14 at the time, in choir class, and was sitting in the front row, fourth seat in from the door. We had just gotten roll call done, when the district administrator entered the room and told us that the World Trade Center had been crashed into.  For the rest of the day, and for many days after, the library was crowded with students and teachers watching the television screens. As I sit and write this, I have the news on, and President Obama is addressing the nation about this.  It has been confirmed that Bin Laden is dead, as proven by DNA.  This day will be forever remembered, not only by those whose lives were directly affected by the attacks, but by all Americans.

Updated After a Gap

Note to self... Apr 27, 11

Don't neglect this blog for so long next time. I've been working my ass off this semester, and it's showing. I have at least a B average this semester if not a low A average. I still hate Accounting, but I've been working my ass off to do well in the class.  Unfortunately for me, Accounting 2 is required, as is Statistics, and College Algebra. I'll be taking 16 credit hours this next semester, but thankfully, my Fridays will be free.

End of First Semester

Bad Den.... Dec 02, 10

Yes, I am well aware that I have slacked in updating this blog.  I haven't had much gumption to write on things that aren't school or role-playing related...  I called the Central Access Point earlier in the school year, but never followed through, because I got distracted by schoolwork and other things.  I'm not doing as well in one of my classes as I wanted to, and I have nobody to blame but myself.  I do not like algebra in the least.  I have bombed two tests, and I have two tests left this semester.  Next semester, I have Intermediate algebra, and I believe I will have my required math credit with that class.  I fully intend to talk to a tutor...  But we'll see how well that actually works out.  November was a bit of a nerve-wracking month for me.  Finals are coming up, and one of my teachers still has not sent me the datafiles I need to complete my project for his class.  I will be reminding him about this today when I have his class.  I have to pass all my classes this semester.  I do not want to be on financial aid probation, because I cannot afford to do that.  This is quite possibly my last chance to get the hell out of this podunk town.

College Experience Journal Entry #8

College Experience Reflective Journal Entry #28 Oct 12, 10

1. A time that I have felt anger recently was yesterday evening.  I was unsure whether Mom would be back in time for me to have the car so I wouldn't have to cross the highway in the dark to get home from school, so I asked Dad if he would take me to class if Mom got back late.  He was sitting at his computer, burning CDs for a friend, and he told me to walk to class.  Mom has told me that she would rather I not cross the highway at night, and has been either driving me to class, or letting me use the car to get to class.  I was upset that Dad would not take the five or so minutes it would have taken to grab his keys and wallet, unlock the truck, and drive me to school.  I ended up walking and getting about halfway to school when Mom met me coming the other way.  I explained to Mom why I was upset with Dad, and wrote Dad a letter telling him how I felt about the situation that I deleted after I had calmed down. 2. Strategies that I can use in the future when I get angry are writing my feelings down, cleaning something that needs cleaning, or going for a long walk. Writing my feelings down would help me deal with the anger in a positive way by getting the feelings out, as opposed to keeping them bottled up inside, because I tend not to show my anger as much as I do other emotions.  Writing the feelings down on paper would also give me something to burn when I do purification rituals. The burning of the paper is a way to get rid of the negative emotions and energies tied to the words written on it, which is cathartic and helps me clear my head. Cleaning something that needs cleaning would help me deal with the anger in a positive way by channeling the emotion into energy and giving me the oomph I'd need to do the cleaning.  It could be something like cleaning my room, or cleaning a sink that needs deep cleaning, or even cleaning up a thrift store find.  This would help me by giving me something to focus on other than being angry, and it would also get something cleaned that needs cleaning, which is always a good thing. Going for a long walk would help me deal with the anger by putting me into motion.  It would be a physical activity, and since I tend to space off and leave emotions from home behind when I walk, it would help me clear my head.  At the same time, it would channel the emotions into activity in a way that is beneficial to me, as walking is good exercise.

College Experience Journal Entry #7

College Experience Reflective Journal Entries #23 and 24 Oct 11, 10

1. Something I enjoyed learning is how to knit.  I started learning it when I was in High School.  I had a bit of difficulty at first because I had learned how to crochet, which uses different hand movements.  The most helpful thing I did to learn this was to find step-by-step instructions with pictures of how to manipulate the yarn to do particular stitches.  I have a book that I learned the basics from, and I also utilized Youtube videos of basic techniques.  I would spend a few hours every now and then working on practicing knitting.  I had moments of frustration, especially when I was first learning, because the hand movements were so different from crochet.  I still have moments of frustration, usually when my gauge is off, or when I see something I'd like to make, but can't due to lack of yarn or lack of skills.  It's especially frustrating trying to make something that should be made on double-pointed needles, because I haven't gotten those figured out yet.  The rewards for learning how to knit are that I can make things like sweaters, hats, scarves, and blankets, and have things that I could've bought in stores.  It gives me a sense of pride because I can say "Yes, I made that." 1. The most challenging course I'm taking this semester is Elementary Algebra.  I have difficulty with Algebra in general because it is not a visual math, and I do not understand how I could apply what I learn in class to things outside the classroom.  Because I am mostly an innovating learner, I do not like the abstract factor of Algebra.  2. Some different ways I can work on learning this subject is thinking about the content creatively and metaphorically, studying with classmates who have different learning styles from my own, and by getting tutored.

College Experience Journal Entry #6

College Experience Reflective Journal Entry #20 and 22 Oct 08, 10

1. One of my self-defeating behavior patterns is that I let myself become distracted from time to time.  One example of this is that I will have my homework out and be working on it, but at the same time, I will have a chatroom open on my laptop and be going back and forth between homework and the chatroom.  Some of the possible reasons this occured are because there are a lot of things that go on around me, and the fact that I chose to let these things distract me.  I let myself continue practicing the bad habit of allowing myself to become distracted for a very long time.  This behavior has had the undesireable effect of me putting off important things like schoolwork in favor of doing the fun things first.  I would be more likely to turn in assignments on time and get what is important done first if I were to change the bad habit. 1. MY PERSONAL RULES FOR SUCCESS IN COLLEGE AND IN LIFE: 1. I will show up on time. 2. I will put more than passable effort into all of my work. 3. I will participate actively. 4. I will not let anyone bully me. 5. I will go for my dreams. 6. I will accept myself for who I am, flaws and imperfections included. 7. I will focus on what I want for myself, not what others want for me. 8. I will work on my Graphic Design Portfolio regularly. 2. My thoughts and feelings about my rules: My most important rules are that I will not let anyone bully me, I will go for my dreams, and I will focus on what I want for myself and not what others want for me.  These rules are important to me because in the past, I allowed people to bully me, I let myself be pushed towards things that I did not want for myself, and I was miserable as a result.  The experiences I have had that give additional value to these rules are that I was bullied all through school as a child, pre-teen, and teenager.  I was scared to go for what I wanted because I put value in what my parents wanted for me, when I should have been focusing more on what I wanted, and paying attention to what I really was after.  The rule that I will have the easiest time with is that I will show up on time.  I make an effort to show up at least ten minutes before anything important is set to begin, because I made a choice years ago to do my best to not be late for anything.  The rule that I will have the most challenge keeping is that I will not let anyone bully me.  This will be a challenge for me because I have self-esteem issues, but I'm working on changing that.

College Experience Journal Entry #5

College Experience Post-Assessment Results Oct 07, 10

62: Accepting Personal Responsibility    75: Discovering Self-Motivation    53: Mastering Self-Management    55: Employing Interdependence    63: Gaining Self-Awareness    65: Adopting Lifelong Learning    44: Developing Emotional Intelligence    71: Believing in Myself Now compare these scores to my scores from almost eight weeks ago: Accepting Personal Responsibility:  51 Discovering Self-Motivation:  61 Mastering Self-Management:  30 Employing Interdependence:  38 Gaining Self-Awareness:  37 Adopting Lifelong Learning:  41Developing Emotional Intelligence:  34 Believing In Myself:  46 The scoring for both was as follows: 0 - 39        ...an area where your choices will seldom get you on course. 40 - 63        ...an area where your choices will sometimes get you on course. 64 - 80        ...an area where your choices will usually keep you on course. It's amazing how far I've come just in eight weeks.

College Experience Journal Entry #4

College Experience Reflective Journal Entry #16 Oct 07, 10

1. Sentence Stems: 1. An outer obstacle that stands between me and my success in college is getting to class on time in inclimate weather. 2. Someone besides me who could help me overcome this outer obstacle is my mom. 3. How this person could help me is by driving me to school if the weather is bad. 4. An inner obstacle that stands between me and my success in college is my tendency to allow myself to become distracted. 5. Someone besides me who could help  me overcome this inner obstacle is my friend Tam. 6. How this person could help me is by asking me if I've gotten my homework done before we work on our stories each night. 7. The most challenging course I'm taking in college this semester is College Experience. 8. This course is challenging for me because I do not like asking for help with things. 9. Someone who could help me overcome this challenge is my friend Kat. 10. How this person could help me is by pointing out time and again that I have people to catch me when I fall. 2. Choices I can make to create a stronger support network: -I can stay after class and talk to the teacher about assignments -I can talk to my classmates about assignments and about getting a ride to class when Mom cannot take me to scool -I can ask Dad for help with my business classes -I can ask my brother for help with algebra -I can ask for help

College Experience Journal Entry #3

The entries after the first two may have different numbers associated with them, but I assure you, the title of the entry here is the chronological order that the entries were written in.

College Experience Reflective Journal Entry #14 Oct 07, 10

1. Successes I have created in my  life: -Graduated High School -Graduated Job Corps on Honor Four phase -Traveled on my own over 1,000 miles -Got a tattoo that means something to me -Enrolled in college -Figured out what I want to do with my life -Overcome my fear of dogs -Been to over five anime conventions 2. Personal skills and talents: -Artistic -Cooking -Compassionate -Understanding of good characterization -Knitting -Sewing -Musical ability -Secretarial skills -Costuming skills -Seamstress -Duct tape manipulator -Type at over 80 net words per minute with 99-100% accuracy -good listener -funny -Able to laugh at my own "DERP"s 3. Positive risks I've taken: -Taking a job at a casino in 2007 -Going into Job Corps -Getting my tattoo -Asking a girl in one of my very first college classes about her messenger bag -Applying at SWCC -Dyeing my hair blue 4. Important actions that I have resistance about doing -Calling the CPC in order to get help getting to a doctor and or psychologist -Working on and submitting a project to the AntiCraft web magazine -Workig on a commission for someone whose attitude I dislike 5. Visualization: I am writing the information down for my project. I have all of my pictures for my project, as well as the "proof of concept" pictures from my pattern testers. I am excited. Everything is spelled right, gramatically correct, and there are no measurement errors.  The editors of the AntiCraft are excited about publishing my project.

College Experience Journal Entry #2

College Experience Reflective Journal Entry #2 Sep 14, 10

1.Strengths: -I see objects for what they could be. -I am a good cook. -I can make my own clothes. -I have a lot of patience. -I am usually on time. -I am always willing to try new things. -I am a NaNoWriMo winner. -I am funny. -I do my best to finish what I start. -I walk most anywhere I want to go. -I do not let my game characters dying affect my mood. It's just a game. -I am good at making simple jewelry. 2. Weaknesses: -I am overweight. -I allow myself to become easily distracted. -I procrastinate. -I can be snippy with others. -I am stubborn. -I get overly emotional at times. -I tend to back down rather than try to defend myself. -I have little patience for people who choose to be ignorant. -I can be lazy at times. -I let my pride get in the way of getting help. -I take things too personally sometimes. -I snark. -I tend to forget things. -I do not express my feelings well. 3. My self-esteem is about a 6 or a 7 right now.  I think it got to be that way because I allowed myself to become a victim for a few years after my time at Iowa Western Community College, when I basically crash-and-burned due to my own bad choices.  I would like to be more confident and to believe in myself more.  Changes I know I need to make are to stop letting my pride get in the way of getting the help I need, working on getting into shape, and working on stopping thinking like a victim.

College Experience Journal Entry #1

My first semester of college, I had a required class called "The College Experience".  We were required to write journal entries over the course, and that's what a lot of the entries on my other blog are about.

College Experience Journal Entry #1 Aug 31, 10

1.-Score for Accepting Personal Responsibility:  51 -Score for Discovering Self-Motivation:  61 -Score for Mastering Self-Management:  30 -Score for Employing Interdependence:  38 -Score for Gaining Self-Awareness:  37 -Score for Adopting Lifelong Learning:  41 -Score for Developing Emotional Intelligence:  34 -Score for Believing In Myself:  46 2.  My highest score was in "Discovering Self-Motivation".  If I had to pinpoint one or two reasons why that score was higher than everything else, I would have to say that five years of not going after my goals, interspersed with failed attempts at getting out on my own and independent, as well as almost a year at Job Corps followed by a very short job, coupled with my frustration at my situation, had a lot to do with it.  Some of it was also due to being in my younger brother's shadow ever since he started school a year after I did.  Being compared to him due to his better grades in all areas, while I did well in only a few areas, really hurt.  Even now, I feel like I'm in his shadow because he's been on the Dean's List at his college, and he's done internships in his field of study and done well at those internships.  Always being second best at something like that has driven me to be the best at what I do well, and finding things that I'm good at that he isn't good at, and working on being even better at those things, be it knitting or drawing, or even cooking. I tend to be stubborn about getting what I want, and I've been learning to put that to good use.  For example, I started Job Corps in April of 2008, and aside from filling out some paperwork and securing a job, I was done by the time December 15th rolled around.  I had decided that I would not dink around while I was at Job Corps, though I did make time to be social and not hole up on dorm.  I started out on Phase Three, which is the third highest Phase one can be at the Denison Job Corps Center, and maintained that Phase, with steadily improving scores, for most of my time at the center.  I made a decision early on in my time there that I would graduate Job Corps as a Phase Four or Honor Four student, and through hard work, discipline, and a lot of determination, I succeeded.  I graduated as an Office Assistant student, on Honor Four.  I had been a member of the Clown Club, the LRC Monitors, and other recreational activities, as well as being Crew Leader in two areas on my dorm.  Because I was so determined to succeed at Job Corps, and because I put forth the effort, I did succeed there.  Knowing that I can succeed if I set my mind to it has made me a very self-motivated individual.  I hope to apply what I've learned about myself over the past five years to use in college, and in the Air Force. 3.  My lowest score was in "Mastering Self-Management".  This is something I have struggled with for as long as I have been in school.  A very small part of it is because I have Attention Deficit Disorder, but a lot of it is learned bad habits.  I also tend to choose to do the "Fun" things first, instead of the things that need to be done that aren't "Fun".  I know I need to work on breaking that habit for good if I want to succeed in college.  I have started working on that by not taking the full "recommended" first semester for my major, so I don't have as much on my plate this time around.  I am working on not being so forgetful of assignments by doing them in a timely manner, and writing them down when the instructor assigns them.  I will also make use of all the sticky notes I have access to, will write down the things I need to remember to be prepared for class and other things throughout my day, and will put them where I will see them as I'm getting ready before I bring them with me.  With consistency, the sticky notes will become habit, and will go a long ways in helping me better manage things in my life.

Determination and Self-Doubt

Thoughts on Determination and Self-Doubt

It seems strange, knowing that I've been out of high school for five years, out of college for four, out of dealer's school for three, and out of Job Corps for two, only to be starting college again next week.  When I graduated high school, I never thought I'd be where I am now.  I had always assumed that I would succeed as a translator and be working in my "dream job" by this point in my life.  It's amazing what reality does when it kicks one in the ass.
The only regret I have about the time between then and now is that I didn't stick to my guns about wanting to go into the military when I was younger.  Granted, I was in worse shape back then than I am now, but I'm willing to bet that I would have... No, I probably would have quit back then.  I needed the life experience I had over the course of the past five years to make me realize that I am just stubborn enough to stick with something, even if I don't like what I have to do.  Graduating from Job Corps with Honor Four as my final evaluation scores showed me that I am more than capable of doing anything I set my mind to.
I recently had a conversation with some friends (who shall remain nameless to protect their privacy, but I'm pretty sure they won't read this anyways.  If they do, that's their choice.), and someone gave me advice on how I shouldn't put all my hopes into the Air Force.  At the time, I got upset and basically clammed up.  I took it quite personally for a couple of days, because I, more than likely, mis-interpreted it as them trying to knock the wind out of my sails. 
When most of what you hear growing up is a comparison of how you aren't as good a student/athlete/whatever as your younger sibling who doesn't have ADHD, stuff like that tends to stick with you.  I know.  I live with that.  My younger brother has always been an A student, and is on the Dean's list at his college.  I always struggled in classes I didn't find interesting.  About the only thing I was good at sports-wise that he had trouble with was Archery, but that was only offered through Phys. Ed.  Archery, picking up languages, and the Arts.  That's all I had going for me throughout high school.
Even though I know I'll likely do well with anything that involves languages, all I can think about is, "Am I going to have this shoved into the shadows by whatever 'Great Thing' my brother does next?"  "Am I just setting myself up for more disappointment in the end?"
Doubting one's self starts in the home.  It takes a LOT to break that cycle.  And something as harmless as some sound advice can be taken the wrong way, sending the cycle into overdrive all over again. 

Posted at 8/16/2010 10:41:28 am by AutobotDen

Alcohol

Thoughts on Alcohol

As I write this, I am about four-fifths of the way through a tall rum and coke.  Any typos will be fixed once I am sober.  Alcohol, while it may be the source of a lot of the evils in the world, is not neccessarily a bad thing.  I can't think of any examples at the moment, besides it being used in cooking to add distinctive flavors to foods, but I'm sure there's something it is good for besides that.  On the flipside, there is a reason it is a bad thing. 
I have witnessed this first-hand with my father.  The man is an undiagnosed alcoholic.  On the "good" days, he's content to keep his mouth shut and pass out in his chair or on the couch.  These days are few and far between.  On his "bad" days, he's argumentative, verbally abusive, and incredibly ill-tempered.  Most of the time, he tends towards argumentative and ill-tempered.  This is steadily getting worse as time goes on...
I, myself, being of legal age to imbibe alcohol, do enjoy the occasional drink.  I have, on very few occasions, drank beyond my normal two or three drinks in one evening.  I do not drink every single day, and generally, when I do choose to drink, I have found that I become a lot less of a wallflower, and I am more apt to speak my mind on things. 
I tend to favor simpler drinks, like rum and coke, Midori (melon liqueur) on the rocks (over ice for those of you who don't know what "On the rocks" means), Kaluha and soymilk (can't drink cow milk anymore), or vodka and cranberry juice, though I do love a drink called "Captain Jack Sparrow", which is Captain Morgan spiced rum, Jack Daniel's, and cola.  I also like margaritas, and Guinness.  Irish Mimosas are another drink I've found I like.  I tend to try at least one new drink when I go someplace I haven't been before. 
One reason I try not to drink too much and not very often, is because of the earlier-stated things I've seen with my dad.  It's only a matter of time before he's pulled over or hits someone due to drunk driving...  I just pray that that will be the wake-up call he needs to get help for his addiction.  I also pray that I never end up like him.

Posted at 8/11/2010 8:43:03 pm by AutobotDen

Changes and New Beginnings

Thoughts on Changes and New Beginnings

As I stated in my first entry, I am going to be starting school on the 25th of this month. As I sit and write this, I have fifteen days till my first day of classes, and only nine days till Orientation, where I will be getting the tools to access my school stuff online, as well as learning where everything is on the campus.  This will be the first time in four years that I start at a school. I am a mix of excited and nervous.  Already this year, I have taken huge steps towards making changes in my life, hopefully for the better.  

In the space of eight months, I have gone from having no idea what I was going to do with my life, to deciding that I wanted to go after my dream of being an interpretur/translator.  I realized around February that I wanted to do this through one of the branches of the military.  I spent the next several weeks trying to find out as much as I could about each branch's Linguistics program, and eventually decided on the Air Force. 

In March, I started walking to the post office and back, which is roughly two miles round-trip.  I decided to do this, not only because I wanted to lose weight, but also because going to the post office each day to check for mail gave me a reason to get out of the house.  I went from just over 220 lbs to my current weight of 204.5 in a matter of weeks.  I am still working on getting down to 180, but given the heat and humidity, I have found it hard to motivate myself to get out of the house as of late.  Despite how icky August weather is, I'm still going to walk to and from school each day.

Another big change I've recently gone through is that I got my hair cut in a bob style.  I have never had my hair in that style, and it's been four years since I had short hair.  I have a friend, who I will hopefully be visiting soon, who has said she will cry when she sees me, since she has seen me with both short and long hair, and prefers longer hair on me.  Part of the reason I did such a drastic change was because of my cousin's wedding in July, part of it was so I wouldn't be as reluctant to cut it short when I went into the Air Force, and part of it was the need to jump-start a major change.

I figure, since the best way to get positive things is to make the effort to make positive changes in one's life, I might as well do major changes and see what comes of those changes.  So far, I've found that since I am making the effort to make positive changes, I have been rewarded with positive things happening.  Granted, I have had my share of difficulties, some of which I will more than likely speculate on at a later date, but so far, things have been going pretty well in the positive things department.

Posted at 8/10/2010 2:50:15 am by AutobotDen

Presenting Myself to Others

Thoughts About How I Present Myself to Others

 

I've noticed that I tend to behave in what is likely a bit of a self-destructive way.  When I am with my best friend or talking to someone I count as a dear friend, if I start to get upset about something to the point that I'm willing to talk or cry about it, I will start apologizing for getting upset.  I will do my damndest to try and come across as someone who is happy with her life, or I will apologize for being such a downer or bringing the mood down. 

I feel like I don't have the right to be complaining or getting upset about stuff when a lot of my friends don't have as "cozy" a life as I do.  That, or I act as though it doesn't matter that I'm upset about something, in favor of being the "cheery one"...  I feel like I don't deserve to be upset or to be unhappy with my situation, or that I'll be told to shut up for complaining so much about pointless stuff. 

I remember, when I was in Job Corps, I was once told I was "preppy" because I grew up in a middle class home.  I did not have days where I didn't know when my next meal would be, and I always had a roof over my head.  I never had to deal with the "hardships" that a lot of the people in the Job Corps program in my area had to deal with.  It made me feel like I didn't have any right to be miserable.  

Didn't help any that I would hear, on an almost daily basis, stories from the girls on my dorm or the other girl's dorm, about some of the things they went through before they came to Job Corps.  A lot of them came from broken homes, the streets, drug convictions...  They literally had no place else to turn... Then I came along, having been job-hunting since October of the previous year, with only one year of college to my name, and only two jobs under my belt, one of which had only lasted six months.  What did I, the "preppy" white girl, know about hardships?  What did I know about misery?  What right did I have to complain about my life, when there was so much more going for me?

I don't even rant and rave on my livejournal anymore, because I don't want to be told to "Quit complaining about pointless stuff.  You've got a home, you've got food to eat, you've got your family.  Your life is perfect. STFU."   Even though I know I have every right to complain and to get upset about things, I'm too quick to apologize for doing so.  I feel like my friends don't need to hear me or see me get upset about things...  And I don't know how to stop this behavior. 

Posted at 8/9/2010 12:48:33 am by AutobotDen

About Suicide (Read at your own risk.)

Thoughts on Suicide

On one of the forums I participate on, the subject of suicide has come up in recent days.  I do not like discussing the matter, but not because I'm some insensitive b$#^@.  I don't like discussing it because of things in my past, both distant and recent, that I have never shared with anyone, or have only briefly mentioned.
Something that most of my friends and those that know me do not know about, that I'm admitting to for the first time, is that when I was 11, I wanted to take my own life.  I was miserable, I felt I had nobody I could turn to, and that I was not worth anything.  I do not know why I felt that way, but if I had to hedge a guess, I suspect that it may have had something to do with the fact that I was among the first of my peers to start having "ladies days".  I know it sounds like a bit of a cop-out, but as I said, I do not know exactly why I felt the way I did at the time.  I also do not know why I decided not to go ahead with taking my life. 
In high school, I began to feel that way again after several years of not feeling that way.  Though this time, it was more because I felt I would never be "good enough" for people, since my younger brother was the better student, and I felt nobody understood that I am just as smart as he is, but in a very different way.  What stopped me from going through with things this time was the knowledge that I had several friends who I cared deeply for and the knowledge that they would be not only devastated, but disappointed in me.
I have had moments since high school where I have mused about doing the deed, but I've come to realize, I like living too much, and there's so much out there that I haven't seen yet.  I'm not yet ready to go to the great beyond, and most definitely not by my own hand.  I have so much that I want to do yet, and I do not intend to screw myself out of doing what I want to do. 
That is only part of the reason why I do not like to talk about suicide.  The other part, one that is a bit more well-known, is that I lost someone I had only recently begun to think of as a dear friend, because he could not see any other way out.  He was someone I graduated high school with, and like me, he hit a rough patch of life and was a bit stagnant for awhile.  He had started to turn his life around when he ended his life back in 2008. 
It's only been a little over two years, but I still find it hard to talk about.  He and I may not have gotten along when we were younger, but I wanted to reach out and help him, not because I wanted anything in return, but because I cared.  If I had known that he was going down the path he was on, I would have offered help, even if all I could do was be available on the phone and give him someone who would listen.  I had planned on talking to him while I was on summer break from Job Corps, but never made the time to actually look up his number, and call him.  This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. 
I do not like talking about suicide, not because I am an insensitive b$^#@, but because it hurts to dig into old wounds and to think about things that could have been, but aren't because someone chose to end their journey prematurely.

Posted at 8/8/2010 2:50:43 pm by AutobotDen

First post transfer

The first several entries on this blog are transfers from my other ADHD Thoughts blog, so if the date seems wonky on 'em, that's why.

First post, and a bit about me

My name, here, at least, is Den.  I'm 23, soon to be 24, and I will be starting college at a community college on the 25th of August.  I will be attending for two years, graduating with an Associate of Arts in Business Management, and then going into the United States Air Force in Linguistics.  I will be in the Linguistics program, and will be initially learning Russian and Arabic, though I do intend to learn more languages while I am on active duty.  I am a female, and I live in a town of about 6,000 people. 

I have several other blogs, but most of them are for roleplaying games with other people, aside from what has become my catch-all journal for silly things and random musings that don't really seem to show who I really am. Granted, I know I still haven't figured that out, but that's why I created this blog, to serve as a record of my journey and to give me something to look back on when I am older and hopefully a bit wiser.  

I have many beliefs about the world I live in, and the way I interpret things, as well as the goings-on around me. I have a unique way of seeing things, given that I have Attention Deficit Disorder, which is more commonly known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder. The way I process things is different from most people, and I tend to react to things a bit differently than some. If I say or do something that doesn't make sense to someone, it likely makes perfect sense to me at the time. 

A lot of the time, I will likely not make sense, and I will likely jump from subject to subject many times in one post. I apologize in advance. This is one aspect of my ADD/ADHD. The closest I can describe what goes on in my head at any one given moment is a million different radio stations playing all at once, at various volumes. Sometimes, they work together to make a symphony of wondrous proportions, and others, it's just useless and distracting noise. I am not the best at gathering my thoughts, but I will do the best I can to try and make this blog make sense.

One last item to be noted: While I may seem eloquent and well-versed in printed text, I am a lousy conversationalist in person, especially during first meetings. I either ramble like crazy about stuff, or I try not to be noticed. I'm working on not doing either one of those when I meet new people.

Posted at 8/8/2010 1:55:50 am by AutobotDen