On Exes

I know it's not healthy to hold onto hurt feelings for a long time.... but sometimes... even the mighty can fall. Three times, I fell in what I thought was love. Three times, I was lied to, used, manipulated. The last two, both participants were only using me to get to someone else. The last was almost four years ago. I know it's stupid to still get upset and enraged about being used like that, not once, but twice. But goddamnit, sometimes, all it takes is the mention of one of the worst bastards I dated to send me down the path of hurt and anger all over again after years of pushing the thought of the dickhead out of my head.

feeling sick to my stomach

Why is it that when I decide that I want to try and make things work with my parents, and that I want to trust them, they go and pull shit like what they did yesterday evening? 

I have my grades and other educational information set so that a limited number of people have permission to access it.  Amongst those I have excluded this year are my parents, because I wanted to start holding myself accountable for my actions in school, instead of having to answer to them every time I fuck up.  They went behind my back and accessed my information somehow.  I'm not pissed that they saw that I'm having trouble in a few classes, I'm pissed that they went behind my back to get that information, when they had no right to be accessing it in the first place. 

Yes, I know I still live under their damn roof. Do NOT try and argue that point with me.  I want to be able to trust them, but if they're pulling shit like that, it shows me that yet again, I have no reason to trust anyone I'm related to by law.  I keep trying to not hate them. I keep trying to work things out with them.  But until they are willing to try and meet me half way, I am unable to bring myself to not feel feelings of despair and hatred towards them.  I do not like feeling that way towards anyone... Especially not the people who raised me.

Pleeeeh

I do NOT like heat and humidity in combination... I have difficulty breathing (due to allergies, but thankfully, I haven't had a major reaction in several years *fingers crossed*) when it gets above 75 if the humidity is high, and most days, when it does get above 75, the humidity is up too.  So I spend a lot of time indoors, usually sitting and working on stuff on the computer, or playing "Just Dance" or "Just Dance 2" on the Wii.  Once it cools off a bit more, closer to my birthday, I'll be more inclined to go outside and do more than just walk to and from the post office or school.  I kind of want to light a bonfire on Samhain/Halloween, but I know I won't be able to unless I visit Kat and her mom.

I guess I'll get back to work on my Deckerd costume for now...

Parents and Myself.... And a bit of a rant...

Thoughts Regarding My Parents and Myself Aug 13, 11

Something I'm having a hard time coming to terms with is the fact that my parents don't approve of me liking anime, Transformers, cosplaying, and my desire to be a graphic designer.  Is it some suppressed sadness that they have allowed themselves to be forced into "growing up" as they've gotten older?  Is it jealousy that I'm doing my own thing without the constraints of what society seems to think I should be doing with my life?  Is it that they just don't like the things I'm into (possibly.  Then again, they're in their 50s, while I'm a 24-year old.  There's a 28-year gap between Mom and me, and she's younger than Dad by two years) ? Or is it fear that they're losing the little girl who used to play with barbies and wanted to be a ballerina or a doctor?  I'm not sure. Ever since I got into anime at around 13-14 years of age, I've been told that I'm "too old" for "cartoons".  I have been told that I am "too old" for dolls.  I've also been told that "A 22, almost 23, year old should NOT still have toys!" by my mother.  Each time I've been told I'm "too old" for something, I've dug my heels in and resisted "growing up".  I currently have over 50 Transformers toys in my possessions, as well as several dolls of various makes, with several in various stages of customization.  I am of the firm belief that I should not have to give up the things that I love just because I reach a certain numerical value that states how long I have been alive.  I have believed this for well over ten years, and I have no intention of changing my tune.  I also do not understand why I should stop cosplaying.  I make all of my costumes, most of them from scratch, and have learned many things from doing so.  I could make my own clothing if supplied with fabric to do so, and I learn about pattern making as well as engineering with the more complicated costumes.  Should I, a 24 year old who is saving her pennies to go to an art school out west (mostly 'cause I'm sick of the cold midwest winters), be forced to give up something that amounts to practice for other, non-costuming-related articles of clothing or whatever I may need to work on in the future to stay comfortable and happy?  No.  I will not accept that apparent "rule" that says that an adult should never dress up in costume aside from Halloween, and then only if one has offspring, or a costume party to attend.  I will not give up doing something I love just to make someone else (my mom, mostly. Though I suspect Dad doesn't think too highly of my cosplaying either... At least I don't dress in things that are overly revealing!  Most of my costumes would be acceptable every-day wear even in polite company!) happy.  In short, despite my parents' aversion to me being me, I will not compromise myself just to please them.  If they can't love me for the odd derp I am, then maybe, just maybe, I need to distance myself from them for good.