Friday, August 26, 2011

Determination and Self-Doubt

Thoughts on Determination and Self-Doubt

It seems strange, knowing that I've been out of high school for five years, out of college for four, out of dealer's school for three, and out of Job Corps for two, only to be starting college again next week.  When I graduated high school, I never thought I'd be where I am now.  I had always assumed that I would succeed as a translator and be working in my "dream job" by this point in my life.  It's amazing what reality does when it kicks one in the ass.
The only regret I have about the time between then and now is that I didn't stick to my guns about wanting to go into the military when I was younger.  Granted, I was in worse shape back then than I am now, but I'm willing to bet that I would have... No, I probably would have quit back then.  I needed the life experience I had over the course of the past five years to make me realize that I am just stubborn enough to stick with something, even if I don't like what I have to do.  Graduating from Job Corps with Honor Four as my final evaluation scores showed me that I am more than capable of doing anything I set my mind to.
I recently had a conversation with some friends (who shall remain nameless to protect their privacy, but I'm pretty sure they won't read this anyways.  If they do, that's their choice.), and someone gave me advice on how I shouldn't put all my hopes into the Air Force.  At the time, I got upset and basically clammed up.  I took it quite personally for a couple of days, because I, more than likely, mis-interpreted it as them trying to knock the wind out of my sails. 
When most of what you hear growing up is a comparison of how you aren't as good a student/athlete/whatever as your younger sibling who doesn't have ADHD, stuff like that tends to stick with you.  I know.  I live with that.  My younger brother has always been an A student, and is on the Dean's list at his college.  I always struggled in classes I didn't find interesting.  About the only thing I was good at sports-wise that he had trouble with was Archery, but that was only offered through Phys. Ed.  Archery, picking up languages, and the Arts.  That's all I had going for me throughout high school.
Even though I know I'll likely do well with anything that involves languages, all I can think about is, "Am I going to have this shoved into the shadows by whatever 'Great Thing' my brother does next?"  "Am I just setting myself up for more disappointment in the end?"
Doubting one's self starts in the home.  It takes a LOT to break that cycle.  And something as harmless as some sound advice can be taken the wrong way, sending the cycle into overdrive all over again. 

Posted at 8/16/2010 10:41:28 am by AutobotDen

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