Wednesday, October 19, 2011


So I just realized that I never did give a very good, if any, explanation of why this blog is "ADHD Thoughts"... The reason is simple. I have Attention Deficit Disorder/Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder-Inattentive Type (Take your pick, they're the same damn thing).  Basically, my brain's wired to make paying attention in most 'normal' settings very difficult, but hyper-focus on certain things.  The way I describe it is that it's like there's a billion and one radio stations, playing in every single language at once in my head.  Some days, all I'm getting is indistinguishable noise, some days, I can silence all but a few of the stations, and some days, all of the stations fall into a beautiful harmony that can be incredibly breathtaking. 

As some of you have noticed, I often jump topics.  My brain goes faster than the rest of me can cope with, which means that I may be on topic LMN, but my mouth is still on DEF, which often results in me tripping over my words, repeating myself, and stammering as I try to recover.  I also talk a lot with my hands, and I don't just mean typing.  I gesticulate, fidget, and move my fingers about constantly as I talk. I do it when I'm walking, I do it in the midst of typing, I do it when I'm watching TV...  I do it a lot.

...I had something lined up, I really did.... but like a lot of the stuff I plan out, it fell through a crack, and I'll likely remember it later today..... Thank goodness for the ability to edit...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Denise VS Den

Okay, as most of you who read this blog have guessed, my name isn't actually Den. It's Denise.  My parents, bless their hearts (though I strongly suspect Mom had the most say when it came time to name me properly), were convinced that 'Denise' would suit me for all of my life.  As I've gotten older, this has become so far from the reality that I decided that I would change my name when I was ready to. 

The reason for the desire to change my name stems from being called "Dennis" all through my elementary years and well into middle school.  Every year, without fail, I would be called "Dennis" at least once by a teacher not familiar with my name.  I got picked on a lot for that.  Thankfully, it stopped when I hit high school, mostly due to the fact that my mom worked at the school I attended, so all the teachers knew my name's true pronunciation.  After high school, I went to college....  In English 101, the very first day of class, my professor was taking roll... And yet again, the curse returned.... But I had come prepared.  Moments after "Dennis" ******* was spoken out loud, I looked up, pushed my hood back (at the time, I was wearing an orange hoodie that made me look like a guy from most angles), and calmly said "It's Denise...."  The professor looked at me, looked down at her attendance sheet, looked back at me, and went "Oh... Oh! So it is...." and then I informed her of what I'd prefer to be called... "I prefer 'Den', actually..."

That'd prolly be where I'd say "And the rest is history" ... Except that it's not, really....

To my lawful family, and for all legal purposes, I am still "Denise".  I am still the awkward, inexperienced, oddball of a girl who is apparently destined to never fit in with the rest of the herd and to continue to be in my younger brother's shadow.

To the family I've made over the years (IE: My friends), I'm "Den".  I'm a bit rough around the edges, and quite possibly insane, but for the most part, I'm alright, and what my brother does has no merit on the friendships I've worked at maintaining.

I've come to realize something though.... as "Denise", I feel restricted, like I'm being deliberately held back, and like I will never be good enough in the eyes of my lawful family or in the eyes of some of the people from my past.  As "Den", I feel like the world is mine to shape any way I please, I am the one in control of my fate, and nobody will stand in my way.  Lately, "Denise" has been the one doing the most driving... I'd rather not let that part of me take control.... "Denise" needs to be buried, and looked upon as being the past.  "Den" needs to take charge more often.... I'm very much a work in progress.... I may take the scenic route to get where I'm going, but I'll get there in the end, and that's all that should really matter....

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Today's BPAL Imp Review is: UNDERTOW

BPAL says UNDERTOW is: The Dark Side of Water: clean and purifying, yet menacing -- lotus and juniper with a hint of mint. A scent dragged up from the depths to the Stygian shore.

-In bottle: There's definitely something dark to this scent, but it's subtle. Most of what I'm getting is a sweeter note, which seems fitting, and I suspect that sweetness will give way to the darker note once I put it on.
-Wet: The sweetness is still there, and I can smell the mint now.... the darkness isn't quite what I thought it'd be, but I do like this scent.
-Dry: Sweetness is still there, as is the mint.... Getting the juniper now, but the darkness I noticed earlier has faded to near nothing.... it's still a pleasing scent.
-Overall impression: This is a very clean scent, and I am adding it to my list of wanted decants.

Monday, October 10, 2011


Today's BPAL Review is: CTHULHU

BPAL says CTHULHU is: If I say that my somewhat extravagant imagination yielded simultaneous pictures of an octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature, I shall not be unfaithful to the spirit of the thing. A pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque and scaly body with rudimentary wings... It represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, was of a somewhat bloated corpulence...

A creeping, wet, slithering scent, dripping with seaweed, oceanic plants and dark, unfathomable waters.

-In bottle:  This one smells strongly of dark water, with something green as an undercurrent...  Very fitting considering who it's meant to represent.
-Wet:  This one likes to shift tones off and on.... The dark water is predominant, but the other notes seem to be taking turns coming out to play.
-Dry:  Even dry, it likes to shift tones.... The water's kind of faded to the backdrop, but it's still there, like something's crawled out of the water and is lurking about.  Definitely getting seaweed notes....
-Overall impression:  This is definitely befitting Cthulhu's name.  It's dark, creepy, and liable to drive you insane trying to describe it.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Black Phoenix Achemy Lab Imp Reviews: AL-SHAIRAN, THE DEEP ONES

Today's BPAL Review is: AL-SHAIRAN

BPAL says AL-SHAIRAN is:  The enemy of God, also named Iblis, He Who Despaired of the Mercy of God. Al-Shairan is the leader of the Jinn, a tempter who whispers false suggestions to men enticing them into evil and perfidious acts, and is the sworn enemy of all of Adam's children. His scent is fiery, bright and thick with sweet sinfulness: clove, peach and orange with cinnamon, patchouli and dark incense notes.

-In bottle:  Definitely getting incense and cinnamon in this one... The incense is almost overpowering, in fact.  It's not a pleasant note, to my nose.  There's another note that is very unpleasant to me, which may be the patchouli. I'll have to see how this scent reacts on me, but I strongly suspect it won't be pleasant.
-Wet:  The cinnamon notes have faded a bit, but the incense is still there, as is a clove note.... And a slight hint of orange... Not really smelling the peach.... I'm not too wild about this one on... we'll have to see how it goes when it's dry.....
-Dry:  The scent has mellowed out... and I actually like it now.  It's warm, and actually pretty nice... reminds me of fall, and bonfires with a nice cup of pumpkin pie cappuccino.  I am getting a very faint hint of peach, but most of what I'm getting is cinnamon, cloves, maybe patchouli (I've never smelled patchouli by itself, so I have NO idea what to compare it to), and a bit of incense.
-Overall impression:  The in-bottle tone kind of put me off at first, but I was too quick to judge... This one is going in my tin of imps I want a full decant of.  It's strong in the bottle, but it mellows out nicely.

And since AL-SHAIRAN wore off, random selection turned up THE DEEP ONES.

BPAL says THE DEEP ONES is:  I think their predominant colour was a greyish-green, though they had white bellies. They were mostly shiny and slippery, but the ridges of their backs were scaly. Their forms vaguely suggested the anthropoid, while their heads were the heads of fish, with prodigious bulging eyes that never closed. At the sides of their necks were palpitating gills, and their long paws were webbed. They hopped irregularly, sometimes on two legs and sometimes on four. I was somehow glad that they had no more than four limbs. Their croaking, baying voices, clearly used for articulate speech, held all the dark shades of expression which their staring faces lacked.

Black algae, drooping seaweed, salty brine, and crushed coral.

-In bottle:  Hmm... This one's intriguing, but at the same time, I'm not quite sure what's going on with this scent... odds are, it'll really come out to play once I put it on. Getting a sweetness that I can't ID properly....
-Wet:  I'm not really getting a 'brine' note with this one... I am getting algae though, and a sweet-ish note.... I'm guessing that's supposed to be the coral... Definitely getting a little of a seaweed note too... I was right about it coming out to play when putting it on....  though there seems to be a note that reminds me of soap... I know what salt water smells like, though I do wonder if the soap smell is the 'salty brine'.
-Dry:  Still not getting the brine note, which could be due to any number of things.... Still getting algae and seaweed....
-Overall impression:  This scent seems innocent enough, but then the algae and seaweed creep up, like creatures rising from the depths.

Having a Stupid Moment

So I'm upstairs, cleaning the kitchen... And I've been thinking about the way Mom and Dad have been treating me as of late.... and about how they keep saying how they'll bag up everything I have down in "Dad's Mancave" (AKA the basement of our house), and put it someplace if I don't get it cleaned up/moved elsewhere.  Made me realize something.  Yes, it could prolly be a little less cluttered, I'll give you that... but the thing is, where I DO have as 'My' area is barely the size of the first-floor bathroom.  It's tucked into the corner of the workshop.  There's barely enough room for the card table that a lot of my supplies are piled onto, and the shelf things.  But the size of 'My Workarea' isn't the issue.... it's that I feel like my parents are getting the mindset that since I'm obviously not very useful and I'm just cluttering up things, I should be packed up and tossed out as well...

Granted, I know I'm a piece of work.  I'm not pleasant to be around for extended periods of time.  I have an attitude problem, but at the same time, that attitude problem only comes out when I feel like I'm being treated poorly.  I like it when people meet me halfway.  I'm willing to be the decent person most everyone I know sees me as, but at the same time, I expect to be treated with courtesy and respect.  If you behave decently towards me, I reciprocate in kind.  If you give me attitude or talk down to me, the bitch comes out to play.  Yes, the bitch seems to rear her ugly head a lot, even when she's not wanted, but for the most part, I try to treat everyone the way I want to be treated.  It's just really hard to do that when I get talked down to on a daily basis, or treated like I am not even welcome or wanted.... Especially in my own home....

I know. I know. There're people who don't even have parents/don't have a roof over their heads/are so much worse off than me/etcetera....  So don't come at me with that. Please. I know there are other people out there who would give anything to have the life I have....  I just want a more harmonious home while I'm still here. 

I shouldn't feel like my parents are just waiting for the chance to toss me out like trash.   I shouldn't feel like I'm not wanted.  I shouldn't feel like I'm being treated like I'm such a fucking hassle to deal with that they just want to be rid of me and pretend that I don't exist.   I shouldn't feel like an outsider in my own home...  but I do, and sometimes, it just gets to the point where I have to write something out, to get it into words, or I'll go insane and kill someone, likely one of my parents. 

I hate feeling like this.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab Imp Review: BELLADONNA

BPAL says BELLADONNA is:  The devil’s herb, which he cultivates with skill and pleasure. According to lore, the spirit of this plant may take the form of a breathtaking, achingly beautiful woman, deadly to behold. This scent is a tribute to such a dark and magnificent plant: a rich green and floral blend, earthy and haunting.

-In bottle:  This smells delicate, and almost coy... It has a slight floral quality that I don't find unpleasant, and I'm not normally one for floral notes, but this does floral very well without being overpowering.
-Wet:  I'm getting pine-y notes now... with a slightly sweet, floral, but warm undertone.  This is definitely a green scent... but not in an unpleasant way.
-Dry:  Still getting the pine-y notes, and the floral notes.  It's subtly dark and dangerous, which is befitting the name of Belladonna.
-Overall impression:  I think this one would work well layered with LOUP GAROU.  It's woodsy, but the floral notes balance it out very well.  This is a scent that fits its namesake very well.  Deceptively dangerous, and almost magical, as Belladonna was traditionally used in witches' flying potions.... X3

Friday, October 7, 2011

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab Imp Review: LOUP GAROU

BPAL says LOUP GAROU is: The wild, untamed essence of lycanthropy. Primeval in its raw power and insatiable hunger: juniper, cypress and galangal with the barest touch of eucalyptus.

-In bottle: I think I'm smelling pine trees of some sort, I want to say hemlock, but I'm pretty sure that's not a note in this scent... There's definitely a 'woods'-y note of some sort...
-Wet: Definitely getting juniper, cypress and the eucalyptus notes... not sure what galangal smells like, so I can't really be certain it's there.... but this is definitely a nice scent on me.
-Dry: There's a very faint note underneath the rest, which might be the galangal, but it smells fresh, and the scent is pleasant.
-Overall impression: This reminds me of taking a walk through the woods, either in the snow or right at the beginning of spring. I love this scent. It's definitely going on my list of full decants to get. It almost feels masculine, like it would smell wonderful on a male type person, but not overpoweringly masculine... In fact, I'd imagine a dryad smelling like this.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab Imp Reviews: ZOMBI, MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY

BPAL says ZOMBI is:  Dried roses, rose leaf, Spanish moss, oakmoss and deep brown earth.

Den says:  ZOMBI
-In bottle: Definitely getting a graveyard dirt impression, with something plant-like underneath... Maybe flowers? Hard to tell in bottle, since the graveyard dirt smell is the predominant note.
-Wet: Still getting the graveyard dirt, but now the plant-like scent kind of smells like a dying boquet...
-Dry: The plant-like scent smells like dying roses, and the graveyard dirt has kind of faded to the background...
-Overall impression: I'm not sure I'm terribly wild about this one. The graveyard dirt scent lingers for a long time.

Edit: ZOMBI wore off en route to school and then back home.... So on to MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY :3

BPAL says MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY is:  A venerable New England university, whose vast library holds many rare, diabolical and obscure arcane works, including one of the few surviving legitimate copies of the Necronomicon. Home to innumerable scholars of the esoteric and the occult, and the notorious Dr. Herbert West.

The scent of Irish coffee, dusty tomes and polished oakwood halls.

-In bottle:  Mmmmm, coffee! Coffee sweetened and with a bit of milk... or maybe that's the old books... There's definitely a hint of wooden desk scent in here, but most of what I smell is what I think the perfect cup of coffee smells like.
-Wet:  Still coffee, but now it's more mellowed out, and a hint of dusty tomes, and the oakwood halls are starting to come through.
-Dry:  Definitely getting all of the notes in the scent description.  Mmmm.... The scent goes warm and comforting, which I just love.  I picture sitting in a quiet corner of a library with book that's well over twice my age, and a cup of perfectly prepared coffee.
-Overall impression:  ...I have to get myself a full-sized decant of this. It's so positively divine smelling. It's like getting a cup of coffee, going into the library, browsing the books for awhile till you find the one you want, and then settling down to read in a quiet corner, away from the rest of the world.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


A friend of mine's going through some rough times, and people are treating her like shit.  It pisses me off that they think that treating someone that way is perfectly acceptable. It pisses me off more that all I can do is write words of support on her facebook wall and on her deviantart page.  I care about my friends to the point that I would gladly go to jail for punching assholes who give the people I care about a hard time.