Friday, August 26, 2011

Presenting Myself to Others

Thoughts About How I Present Myself to Others
I've noticed that I tend to behave in what is likely a bit of a self-destructive way.  When I am with my best friend or talking to someone I count as a dear friend, if I start to get upset about something to the point that I'm willing to talk or cry about it, I will start apologizing for getting upset.  I will do my damndest to try and come across as someone who is happy with her life, or I will apologize for being such a downer or bringing the mood down. 

I feel like I don't have the right to be complaining or getting upset about stuff when a lot of my friends don't have as "cozy" a life as I do.  That, or I act as though it doesn't matter that I'm upset about something, in favor of being the "cheery one"...  I feel like I don't deserve to be upset or to be unhappy with my situation, or that I'll be told to shut up for complaining so much about pointless stuff. 

I remember, when I was in Job Corps, I was once told I was "preppy" because I grew up in a middle class home.  I did not have days where I didn't know when my next meal would be, and I always had a roof over my head.  I never had to deal with the "hardships" that a lot of the people in the Job Corps program in my area had to deal with.  It made me feel like I didn't have any right to be miserable.  

Didn't help any that I would hear, on an almost daily basis, stories from the girls on my dorm or the other girl's dorm, about some of the things they went through before they came to Job Corps.  A lot of them came from broken homes, the streets, drug convictions...  They literally had no place else to turn... Then I came along, having been job-hunting since October of the previous year, with only one year of college to my name, and only two jobs under my belt, one of which had only lasted six months.  What did I, the "preppy" white girl, know about hardships?  What did I know about misery?  What right did I have to complain about my life, when there was so much more going for me?

I don't even rant and rave on my livejournal anymore, because I don't want to be told to "Quit complaining about pointless stuff.  You've got a home, you've got food to eat, you've got your family.  Your life is perfect. STFU."   Even though I know I have every right to complain and to get upset about things, I'm too quick to apologize for doing so.  I feel like my friends don't need to hear me or see me get upset about things...  And I don't know how to stop this behavior. 
Posted at 8/9/2010 12:48:33 am by AutobotDen

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