Friday, December 30, 2011


About an hour and a half ago, my uncle called with some bad news.... My cousin, Joe, passed away about two days ago from a heart attack.... The police found his body earlier tonight. It only really started sinking in when I started letting people know why I might be going silent for a few days....

I deal with grief by doing a lot of crying. Most of the time, it's in private, but sometimes, it's around people. In this case, since The Sib and the parents are also grieving, I've had to isolate myself from them. I just need time to myself so I can focus and cope. I will check facebook and the like, I prolly won't be responding 'till I work through the emotions. I internalize a lot, and with emotions like grief, I have to work them through before I can move on.

In time, the pain and shock will fade, but for now, I'm taking things as they come. One by one, day by day... that's all I can do right now.

Friday, December 23, 2011


Yes, it has been quite some time since I last posted. I had a minor bout of insanity, and have been busy helping get the house ready for the visit by the Sib and the Sib's girlfriend. Add into that attempting to work on two big cosplays (One of which I have yet to get the materials for, due to lack of big boxes) for SavCon, and general family drama..... Yeah.... Big bundle of stress and insanity. Plus, I really didn't feel like I had anything terribly profound to say on here.... I also happen to have the Steampunk Masquerade at the end of the month, so I'm working on getting an outfit and mask ready for that....

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

This is sheer win. And deliciosity.

This makes me all kinds of happy. The amount of detail is awesome, and there's even a wee ickle gingerbread Luke dangling from a licorice rope. XD

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


This is why I have been silent with the witty snark this month.

Edit: I should've edited this yesterday after I did what I did, but at about 11:20 PM, I crossed the 50K finish line after a mad sprint to write the remaining 3K or so.... I ended up crossing the finish line and not finishing the story, so for the next few weeks, I'mma be working on the story off and on and getting it finished so I can get it printed out, edited by a friend of mine who loves editing stuff, and published. I'll likely be trying to find someone to carry the story for sale, if I don't just go and self-publish and sell through my Etsy account.

This has been an epic month. I'm glad I'm done writing for NaNoWriMo though.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

feeling sick to my stomach

Why is it that when I decide that I want to try and make things work with my parents, and that I want to trust them, they go and pull shit like what they did yesterday evening? 

I have my grades and other educational information set so that a limited number of people have permission to access it.  Amongst those I have excluded this year are my parents, because I wanted to start holding myself accountable for my actions in school, instead of having to answer to them every time I fuck up.  They went behind my back and accessed my information somehow.  I'm not pissed that they saw that I'm having trouble in a few classes, I'm pissed that they went behind my back to get that information, when they had no right to be accessing it in the first place. 

Yes, I know I still live under their damn roof. Do NOT try and argue that point with me.  I want to be able to trust them, but if they're pulling shit like that, it shows me that yet again, I have no reason to trust anyone I'm related to by law.  I keep trying to not hate them. I keep trying to work things out with them.  But until they are willing to try and meet me half way, I am unable to bring myself to not feel feelings of despair and hatred towards them.  I do not like feeling that way towards anyone... Especially not the people who raised me.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


So I just realized that I never did give a very good, if any, explanation of why this blog is "ADHD Thoughts"... The reason is simple. I have Attention Deficit Disorder/Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder-Inattentive Type (Take your pick, they're the same damn thing).  Basically, my brain's wired to make paying attention in most 'normal' settings very difficult, but hyper-focus on certain things.  The way I describe it is that it's like there's a billion and one radio stations, playing in every single language at once in my head.  Some days, all I'm getting is indistinguishable noise, some days, I can silence all but a few of the stations, and some days, all of the stations fall into a beautiful harmony that can be incredibly breathtaking. 

As some of you have noticed, I often jump topics.  My brain goes faster than the rest of me can cope with, which means that I may be on topic LMN, but my mouth is still on DEF, which often results in me tripping over my words, repeating myself, and stammering as I try to recover.  I also talk a lot with my hands, and I don't just mean typing.  I gesticulate, fidget, and move my fingers about constantly as I talk. I do it when I'm walking, I do it in the midst of typing, I do it when I'm watching TV...  I do it a lot.

...I had something lined up, I really did.... but like a lot of the stuff I plan out, it fell through a crack, and I'll likely remember it later today..... Thank goodness for the ability to edit...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Denise VS Den

Okay, as most of you who read this blog have guessed, my name isn't actually Den. It's Denise.  My parents, bless their hearts (though I strongly suspect Mom had the most say when it came time to name me properly), were convinced that 'Denise' would suit me for all of my life.  As I've gotten older, this has become so far from the reality that I decided that I would change my name when I was ready to. 

The reason for the desire to change my name stems from being called "Dennis" all through my elementary years and well into middle school.  Every year, without fail, I would be called "Dennis" at least once by a teacher not familiar with my name.  I got picked on a lot for that.  Thankfully, it stopped when I hit high school, mostly due to the fact that my mom worked at the school I attended, so all the teachers knew my name's true pronunciation.  After high school, I went to college....  In English 101, the very first day of class, my professor was taking roll... And yet again, the curse returned.... But I had come prepared.  Moments after "Dennis" ******* was spoken out loud, I looked up, pushed my hood back (at the time, I was wearing an orange hoodie that made me look like a guy from most angles), and calmly said "It's Denise...."  The professor looked at me, looked down at her attendance sheet, looked back at me, and went "Oh... Oh! So it is...." and then I informed her of what I'd prefer to be called... "I prefer 'Den', actually..."

That'd prolly be where I'd say "And the rest is history" ... Except that it's not, really....

To my lawful family, and for all legal purposes, I am still "Denise".  I am still the awkward, inexperienced, oddball of a girl who is apparently destined to never fit in with the rest of the herd and to continue to be in my younger brother's shadow.

To the family I've made over the years (IE: My friends), I'm "Den".  I'm a bit rough around the edges, and quite possibly insane, but for the most part, I'm alright, and what my brother does has no merit on the friendships I've worked at maintaining.

I've come to realize something though.... as "Denise", I feel restricted, like I'm being deliberately held back, and like I will never be good enough in the eyes of my lawful family or in the eyes of some of the people from my past.  As "Den", I feel like the world is mine to shape any way I please, I am the one in control of my fate, and nobody will stand in my way.  Lately, "Denise" has been the one doing the most driving... I'd rather not let that part of me take control.... "Denise" needs to be buried, and looked upon as being the past.  "Den" needs to take charge more often.... I'm very much a work in progress.... I may take the scenic route to get where I'm going, but I'll get there in the end, and that's all that should really matter....

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Today's BPAL Imp Review is: UNDERTOW

BPAL says UNDERTOW is: The Dark Side of Water: clean and purifying, yet menacing -- lotus and juniper with a hint of mint. A scent dragged up from the depths to the Stygian shore.

-In bottle: There's definitely something dark to this scent, but it's subtle. Most of what I'm getting is a sweeter note, which seems fitting, and I suspect that sweetness will give way to the darker note once I put it on.
-Wet: The sweetness is still there, and I can smell the mint now.... the darkness isn't quite what I thought it'd be, but I do like this scent.
-Dry: Sweetness is still there, as is the mint.... Getting the juniper now, but the darkness I noticed earlier has faded to near nothing.... it's still a pleasing scent.
-Overall impression: This is a very clean scent, and I am adding it to my list of wanted decants.

Monday, October 10, 2011


Today's BPAL Review is: CTHULHU

BPAL says CTHULHU is: If I say that my somewhat extravagant imagination yielded simultaneous pictures of an octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature, I shall not be unfaithful to the spirit of the thing. A pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque and scaly body with rudimentary wings... It represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, was of a somewhat bloated corpulence...

A creeping, wet, slithering scent, dripping with seaweed, oceanic plants and dark, unfathomable waters.

-In bottle:  This one smells strongly of dark water, with something green as an undercurrent...  Very fitting considering who it's meant to represent.
-Wet:  This one likes to shift tones off and on.... The dark water is predominant, but the other notes seem to be taking turns coming out to play.
-Dry:  Even dry, it likes to shift tones.... The water's kind of faded to the backdrop, but it's still there, like something's crawled out of the water and is lurking about.  Definitely getting seaweed notes....
-Overall impression:  This is definitely befitting Cthulhu's name.  It's dark, creepy, and liable to drive you insane trying to describe it.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Black Phoenix Achemy Lab Imp Reviews: AL-SHAIRAN, THE DEEP ONES

Today's BPAL Review is: AL-SHAIRAN

BPAL says AL-SHAIRAN is:  The enemy of God, also named Iblis, He Who Despaired of the Mercy of God. Al-Shairan is the leader of the Jinn, a tempter who whispers false suggestions to men enticing them into evil and perfidious acts, and is the sworn enemy of all of Adam's children. His scent is fiery, bright and thick with sweet sinfulness: clove, peach and orange with cinnamon, patchouli and dark incense notes.

-In bottle:  Definitely getting incense and cinnamon in this one... The incense is almost overpowering, in fact.  It's not a pleasant note, to my nose.  There's another note that is very unpleasant to me, which may be the patchouli. I'll have to see how this scent reacts on me, but I strongly suspect it won't be pleasant.
-Wet:  The cinnamon notes have faded a bit, but the incense is still there, as is a clove note.... And a slight hint of orange... Not really smelling the peach.... I'm not too wild about this one on... we'll have to see how it goes when it's dry.....
-Dry:  The scent has mellowed out... and I actually like it now.  It's warm, and actually pretty nice... reminds me of fall, and bonfires with a nice cup of pumpkin pie cappuccino.  I am getting a very faint hint of peach, but most of what I'm getting is cinnamon, cloves, maybe patchouli (I've never smelled patchouli by itself, so I have NO idea what to compare it to), and a bit of incense.
-Overall impression:  The in-bottle tone kind of put me off at first, but I was too quick to judge... This one is going in my tin of imps I want a full decant of.  It's strong in the bottle, but it mellows out nicely.

And since AL-SHAIRAN wore off, random selection turned up THE DEEP ONES.

BPAL says THE DEEP ONES is:  I think their predominant colour was a greyish-green, though they had white bellies. They were mostly shiny and slippery, but the ridges of their backs were scaly. Their forms vaguely suggested the anthropoid, while their heads were the heads of fish, with prodigious bulging eyes that never closed. At the sides of their necks were palpitating gills, and their long paws were webbed. They hopped irregularly, sometimes on two legs and sometimes on four. I was somehow glad that they had no more than four limbs. Their croaking, baying voices, clearly used for articulate speech, held all the dark shades of expression which their staring faces lacked.

Black algae, drooping seaweed, salty brine, and crushed coral.

-In bottle:  Hmm... This one's intriguing, but at the same time, I'm not quite sure what's going on with this scent... odds are, it'll really come out to play once I put it on. Getting a sweetness that I can't ID properly....
-Wet:  I'm not really getting a 'brine' note with this one... I am getting algae though, and a sweet-ish note.... I'm guessing that's supposed to be the coral... Definitely getting a little of a seaweed note too... I was right about it coming out to play when putting it on....  though there seems to be a note that reminds me of soap... I know what salt water smells like, though I do wonder if the soap smell is the 'salty brine'.
-Dry:  Still not getting the brine note, which could be due to any number of things.... Still getting algae and seaweed....
-Overall impression:  This scent seems innocent enough, but then the algae and seaweed creep up, like creatures rising from the depths.

Having a Stupid Moment

So I'm upstairs, cleaning the kitchen... And I've been thinking about the way Mom and Dad have been treating me as of late.... and about how they keep saying how they'll bag up everything I have down in "Dad's Mancave" (AKA the basement of our house), and put it someplace if I don't get it cleaned up/moved elsewhere.  Made me realize something.  Yes, it could prolly be a little less cluttered, I'll give you that... but the thing is, where I DO have as 'My' area is barely the size of the first-floor bathroom.  It's tucked into the corner of the workshop.  There's barely enough room for the card table that a lot of my supplies are piled onto, and the shelf things.  But the size of 'My Workarea' isn't the issue.... it's that I feel like my parents are getting the mindset that since I'm obviously not very useful and I'm just cluttering up things, I should be packed up and tossed out as well...

Granted, I know I'm a piece of work.  I'm not pleasant to be around for extended periods of time.  I have an attitude problem, but at the same time, that attitude problem only comes out when I feel like I'm being treated poorly.  I like it when people meet me halfway.  I'm willing to be the decent person most everyone I know sees me as, but at the same time, I expect to be treated with courtesy and respect.  If you behave decently towards me, I reciprocate in kind.  If you give me attitude or talk down to me, the bitch comes out to play.  Yes, the bitch seems to rear her ugly head a lot, even when she's not wanted, but for the most part, I try to treat everyone the way I want to be treated.  It's just really hard to do that when I get talked down to on a daily basis, or treated like I am not even welcome or wanted.... Especially in my own home....

I know. I know. There're people who don't even have parents/don't have a roof over their heads/are so much worse off than me/etcetera....  So don't come at me with that. Please. I know there are other people out there who would give anything to have the life I have....  I just want a more harmonious home while I'm still here. 

I shouldn't feel like my parents are just waiting for the chance to toss me out like trash.   I shouldn't feel like I'm not wanted.  I shouldn't feel like I'm being treated like I'm such a fucking hassle to deal with that they just want to be rid of me and pretend that I don't exist.   I shouldn't feel like an outsider in my own home...  but I do, and sometimes, it just gets to the point where I have to write something out, to get it into words, or I'll go insane and kill someone, likely one of my parents. 

I hate feeling like this.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab Imp Review: BELLADONNA

BPAL says BELLADONNA is:  The devil’s herb, which he cultivates with skill and pleasure. According to lore, the spirit of this plant may take the form of a breathtaking, achingly beautiful woman, deadly to behold. This scent is a tribute to such a dark and magnificent plant: a rich green and floral blend, earthy and haunting.

-In bottle:  This smells delicate, and almost coy... It has a slight floral quality that I don't find unpleasant, and I'm not normally one for floral notes, but this does floral very well without being overpowering.
-Wet:  I'm getting pine-y notes now... with a slightly sweet, floral, but warm undertone.  This is definitely a green scent... but not in an unpleasant way.
-Dry:  Still getting the pine-y notes, and the floral notes.  It's subtly dark and dangerous, which is befitting the name of Belladonna.
-Overall impression:  I think this one would work well layered with LOUP GAROU.  It's woodsy, but the floral notes balance it out very well.  This is a scent that fits its namesake very well.  Deceptively dangerous, and almost magical, as Belladonna was traditionally used in witches' flying potions.... X3

Friday, October 7, 2011

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab Imp Review: LOUP GAROU

BPAL says LOUP GAROU is: The wild, untamed essence of lycanthropy. Primeval in its raw power and insatiable hunger: juniper, cypress and galangal with the barest touch of eucalyptus.

-In bottle: I think I'm smelling pine trees of some sort, I want to say hemlock, but I'm pretty sure that's not a note in this scent... There's definitely a 'woods'-y note of some sort...
-Wet: Definitely getting juniper, cypress and the eucalyptus notes... not sure what galangal smells like, so I can't really be certain it's there.... but this is definitely a nice scent on me.
-Dry: There's a very faint note underneath the rest, which might be the galangal, but it smells fresh, and the scent is pleasant.
-Overall impression: This reminds me of taking a walk through the woods, either in the snow or right at the beginning of spring. I love this scent. It's definitely going on my list of full decants to get. It almost feels masculine, like it would smell wonderful on a male type person, but not overpoweringly masculine... In fact, I'd imagine a dryad smelling like this.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab Imp Reviews: ZOMBI, MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY

BPAL says ZOMBI is:  Dried roses, rose leaf, Spanish moss, oakmoss and deep brown earth.

Den says:  ZOMBI
-In bottle: Definitely getting a graveyard dirt impression, with something plant-like underneath... Maybe flowers? Hard to tell in bottle, since the graveyard dirt smell is the predominant note.
-Wet: Still getting the graveyard dirt, but now the plant-like scent kind of smells like a dying boquet...
-Dry: The plant-like scent smells like dying roses, and the graveyard dirt has kind of faded to the background...
-Overall impression: I'm not sure I'm terribly wild about this one. The graveyard dirt scent lingers for a long time.

Edit: ZOMBI wore off en route to school and then back home.... So on to MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY :3

BPAL says MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY is:  A venerable New England university, whose vast library holds many rare, diabolical and obscure arcane works, including one of the few surviving legitimate copies of the Necronomicon. Home to innumerable scholars of the esoteric and the occult, and the notorious Dr. Herbert West.

The scent of Irish coffee, dusty tomes and polished oakwood halls.

-In bottle:  Mmmmm, coffee! Coffee sweetened and with a bit of milk... or maybe that's the old books... There's definitely a hint of wooden desk scent in here, but most of what I smell is what I think the perfect cup of coffee smells like.
-Wet:  Still coffee, but now it's more mellowed out, and a hint of dusty tomes, and the oakwood halls are starting to come through.
-Dry:  Definitely getting all of the notes in the scent description.  Mmmm.... The scent goes warm and comforting, which I just love.  I picture sitting in a quiet corner of a library with book that's well over twice my age, and a cup of perfectly prepared coffee.
-Overall impression:  ...I have to get myself a full-sized decant of this. It's so positively divine smelling. It's like getting a cup of coffee, going into the library, browsing the books for awhile till you find the one you want, and then settling down to read in a quiet corner, away from the rest of the world.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


A friend of mine's going through some rough times, and people are treating her like shit.  It pisses me off that they think that treating someone that way is perfectly acceptable. It pisses me off more that all I can do is write words of support on her facebook wall and on her deviantart page.  I care about my friends to the point that I would gladly go to jail for punching assholes who give the people I care about a hard time.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Writer's Block: 9-27 to 9-29-2011

And the forecast is…

What’s your favorite kind of weather?
... Assuming.... that said.... Clear, but not too hot... Early fall, when it doesn't get above 75 degrees.

Remote control

What’s your favorite show on television?
More assumption..... I do have a favorite show on TV: Mythbusters.  

Internet addictions

Besides LJ, what websites are you always surfing?
...Good grief, even MORE assumption....  *sigh* Facebook, The Anticraft Forums, UniFaction, my college classes that're online, DeviantArt, Blogger... A lot of sites...

Love hurts

What’s the best way to mend a broken heart?
....I have no clue.  Waiting it out, I guess.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Writer's Block 9-25-2011


How long have you had your best friend?
Generalizations aside.... The one I've been friends with the longest has been my friend for over six years... One of the more recent ones has been my friend for just over two years and eight months. 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Writer's Block 9-24-2011

Riddle me this

What is something that just doesn't make sense to you?
That people assume that everyone in the world thinks like they do and proceed to ask questions with such a mindset.  The ones that do, from what I've noticed and experienced in person (just 'cause I know someone online'll say I'm assuming too), tend to get really bitchy when their assumptions are proven wrong, or they tend to get really verbally abusive and/or bully the person who bursts their bubble.

Writer's Block 9-23-2011 (late)

“We built this city on rock and roll”

What are your favorite song lyrics, and why?
Crimony. Assumption city. I do have favorite song lyrics though...

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'cause you were born this way, baby

My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"
"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't be a drag ‒ just be a queen
Don't be a drag ‒ just be a queen
Don't be a drag ‒ just be a queen
Don't be!

Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way

No matter gay, straight, or bi,
Lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to be brave.

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!

Same DNA, but born this way.
Same DNA, but born this way."

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Writer's Block 9/22/2011

Desert island

List three books that have changed your life:
*sigh* Assumptions.  And I really don't have any.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Writer's Block: 9-21-2011

Bone-chilling birthday wishes

It's Stephen King's birthday! Who is your favorite character from one of his books?
Sheesh. Assumption city.  Not everyone likes Stephen King. I recall really liking 'Firestarter' though.... not that anyone would know that one....

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Writer's Block 9/20

Funny people

Are you more of an entertainer who makes others laugh? Or do you prefer to be entertained?
I like to be entertained more than making people laugh... My jokes are kind of lousy.

Monday, September 19, 2011

More Writer's Block Answers

From the first part of September to today:

 "Anybody home? Think, McFly, Think!"

Who is the meanest movie bully?
I have no idea.  I don't really pay attention to bullies in movies anymore...

It’s just a game…

Do you pick truth or dare? Tell us why?
I hate that game... Truth, because I only do dares from the people I trust not to suggest stuff like streaking... That list is a very, VERY short list, and only has about five people on it...

Can't we all just get along?

What is one way to stop or prevent bullying?
 I'm not really sure, short of letting the kid who is being bullied deck the bully/bullies to knock some sense into 'em.  Letting kids know that NOBODY has the right to make them feel bad is a start, I guess... 

Paging Al Gore

Would you give up the Internet for $10 million? (this is for the rest of your life.)
Assumption city.... That being said, are you %*^$#(@#$%ing mental?! I have college classes that I do things for online, as well as one course that is entirely online.  I talk to my friends online, since all of the people I like to talk to live in different time zones from me.  I shop, I play online games... So in short, NO.

It happened one night

What is the best thing that's happened to you so far?
Getting to meet Michael McConnohie and Paul Eiding.  I admire their work as voice actors, and I respect them as people.  They're very wonderful gentlemen, and it was an honor to meet them.

Killer Queen

What's your favorite Queen song, and why?
Assumptions...  That being said, I love "Under Pressure", which was done with David Bowie.

MVP awards

What’s the most important thing to you (person, animal, anything)?

My individuality.

Blast to the past

If you could travel back in time, what would you tell your 10-year-old self?

I'd prolly scare the crap outta my 10-year-old self....  

Your 15 Minutes

If you had your own reality show, what would it be called? What would it be about?
Why would I want a reality show?

Freaky Friday

If you could become a member of the opposite sex for just one day, what would you do?
.... I'm not touching this one. 

Excuse me, but there’s lettuce in your teeth.

Tell us your worst date stories. (Don’t worry, we all have them.)

Um, no, WE don't.  Assumption again.... That said, the worst one I've had was the date that ended in me being dumped. Turns out the guy wanted to try and get into the pants of my best friend.  She told him to take a hike. 


Where were you?
When the first plane hit? Walking to school.  When I was told? Fourth seat in from the door, front row of the alto section in choir class.

Hey Mr. DJ, keep playing this song…

What music lifts you up when you’re feeling down?
Music with a bouncy beat, that I can dance to.  Techno, Trance, Classical, Lady Gaga.... My music tastes are very strange.

Home sweet hometown

What do you like best about your city or hometown? What do you want to change?
 What did I say about assuming stuff?!  I don't like my hometown.  It's isolated, despite having two highways going through it.  The nearest Walmart's a half hour a way for cripe's sake!  I would  move it closer to Omaha, like, a suburb of Council Bluffs, just to have more access to the things I like to do.

Take Two

In the next life, who or what do you think you’ll be reincarnated into?
Hopefully, a better me.  But quit assuming stuff, Livejournal Users. Not everyone wants to be reincarnated, nor do they all believe in it.

Eraser dust

If you could delete one thing in life from ever existing what would it be, and why? (e.g., paper not being invented or the color ‘blue’)
....WTF are you people on?!

Lucas for a day

If you could write the next Star Wars movie, what story would you tell? It could be anything: a sequel, prequel, or anything in-between. Describe your adventure in 300 words or less. Our favorite story will receive a Star Wars saga Blu-ray gift pack!
I don't have Blu-ray. Also, Lucas is a bit of an idjit for trying to rewrite what made him so successful in the first place.

Fashion faux pas

What is the strangest thing in your closet?

...Besides duct tape shoes, and cardboard mecha armor?

On the red carpet

Are you watching the Emmys tonight?

Nope. Not interested in that, but Mom likes to watch the fashion-related stuff.

Talk like a pirate day!

Celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day by scribblin’ ye finest buccaneer-them’d joke in today’s Writer’s Block, arrr, Scrawl.

Top jokes win me booty.
....I apologize in advance for inappropriateness and immature humor:  At a tavern, thar be a pirate sittin' near th' fireplace wit' a parrot named Chess.  Th' bar wench comes over to ask th' pirate about 'is bird, 'n is told th't th' parrot c'n sing.  So th' bar wench asks for proof.  Th' parrot starts a round of "What do ye do wit' a drunken sailor?", 'n carries on fer several minutes. Th' bar wench asks if Chess be after knowin' any other shanties, to which th' pirate replies "Aye, lass. Ol' Chess knows lots o' songs... Show 'er, Chess".  Chess refuses t' perform anythin' but "What do ye do wit' a drunken sailor?" After a few minutes o' th's, th' pirate grabs Chess 'n holds 'im over th' fire.  Chess immediately begins singin' "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!"


Looking at a friend's Writer's Block livejournal, I kinda wanna transfer some or all of the "Writer's Block" topics here and answer them.... In fact, I think I will do that.

Starting from the first ones I could find... though I may wind up ganking earlier ones from my friend's LJ... For the month of August:

Jumped the shark
Which television show continues to get worse every season and should just get cancelled already?
I don't really watch much television.  The stuff that I do watch, I do enjoy, and I hope they continue for many seasons.  Just FYI: most of what I watch is on the Science Channel.  I happily admit my love for that channel.

A literary masterpiece

Which books will you certainly read to your children, nieces, nephews or godchildren?
I have no intention of having children, and since this question assumes as such or that I am someone who will have nieces, nephews, or godchildren, it's a bit offensive.  That said, if I do wind up reading to nieces, nephews or godchildren, I will be reading them passages from Don Quixote, The Divine Comedy, or parts of my manga collection. 

A stroll down memory lane

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Sheesh, again with the assumptions.... I'd rather be rid of my old memories, since there's stuff in the past that has really messed me up.  Being unable to make new memories would suck hardcore.

Scary movie

What is the scariest horror flick you’ve seen?
Why do they assume that all of LJ watches horror flicks?  I laughed at some of (okay, most) the stuff in the Puppet Master saga, since it was so bad.  In fact, it was so bad, it was good.  Scariest flick I've seen was Blood: The Last Vampire.

You’re giving me a toothache

What is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you?
"I like writing with you." 

Once upon a time…

What is the first line of your favorite book?
Assuming that everyone has a favorite book.... Faaaaail, Livejournal. Fail.   I do have a favorite book though.  From Don Quixote:  "Idle reader: thou mayest believe me without any oath that I would this book, as it is the child of my brain, were the fairest, gayest, and cleverest that could be imagined."

All by myself

What’s one thing that you love to do all by yourself?
 Again with the assumptions... Not everyone likes to spend time alone... I do, and when I do, I usually knit, draw, read, listen to music, or browse the 'net.

It’s Women’s Equality Day!

Do you think women are treated as equals? What changes would you like to see?
*sigh* Assuming.... I'm not touching this one.

You’re perfect, now change

Would you change anything about your significant other? What would it be?
Another one I'm not touching, if only 'cause of the assumptions.

The state of perception

Of the five senses (sight, sound, touch, smell and taste), which would you willing to give up, and why? 
 Sheesh. What is with all the assumptions?  Not everyone wants to give up a sense..... Case in point being me.  Even with all the unpleasant crap in the world, sensory-wise, I wouldn't give up any of my senses.  There's way too many pleasing sensory experiences that I wouldn't want to miss out on.

Everybody hurts

Have you or a friend ever been bullied? How did you get through it?
Assumptions.... *sigh* I have been bullied off and on over the years.  At the time, I didn't handle it well, but as I've gotten older, I've realized how stupid it was to get upset over temporary issues. I'm working on the "You are not even worth acknowledging." Look for when I do get bullied in the future, and I've gotten quite good at it. 

Sweet tooth

What is your favorite candy or dessert?
*sigh* Apparently, August was the month of assumptions. That being said, I really like lemon-flavored desserts.

Thursday, September 15, 2011


Okay, so now we've got days where it's cold enough during the day that I am bundled up with blankets and am considering getting my fingerless gloves out for the season.  Just three days ago, it was so blurdy hot that I couldn't breathe.  Guess this means it's almost fall....

Monday, September 12, 2011


I do NOT like heat and humidity in combination... I have difficulty breathing (due to allergies, but thankfully, I haven't had a major reaction in several years *fingers crossed*) when it gets above 75 if the humidity is high, and most days, when it does get above 75, the humidity is up too.  So I spend a lot of time indoors, usually sitting and working on stuff on the computer, or playing "Just Dance" or "Just Dance 2" on the Wii.  Once it cools off a bit more, closer to my birthday, I'll be more inclined to go outside and do more than just walk to and from the post office or school.  I kind of want to light a bonfire on Samhain/Halloween, but I know I won't be able to unless I visit Kat and her mom.

I guess I'll get back to work on my Deckerd costume for now...

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Freaky Dreams

Okay.  So those of you who know me well enough know that my imagination is almost over-active.  At night, this leads to freaky, often nonsensical dreams that are often mildly disturbing.  I don't dream about flying unicorns, fluffy pink bunnies, or talking animals... I dream about walking along highways, car accidents, and getting lost in strange cities, or other things that very well COULD happen to me at some time in the future. 

Case in point is the dream I had just before I woke up for the day:  I was backpacking somewhere... and it had gotten dark and spooky... and there was this little, shady, creepy guy walking along a wall, while I was walking closer to the road... I just KNEW that the guy was up to something... and once I got sick of him following just inside my 'potential threat' perimeter, I turned to tell him off.  He rushed me and I tried grabbing at his jacket collar, but he slipped out of my grip and tried circling around to my blind spot, which I wouldn't allow.  I finally got my hands on his collar and both of his wrists, followed shortly by his ankles as well... He couldn't have been any taller than 5'2", and maybe 100lbs soaking wet... but I hauled him over to this roadside diner that was open at whatever time of night the dream was set....   and as I was telling the waitress that the guy had tried robbing me, I woke up.

One of my friends interpreted it as my mind thinking that my problems aren't so big that they can't be overcome.... I think it's either that, or me realizing that some of the things that scare the utter crap out of me are things that I can deal with and not have to fear anymore....  Maybe we're both right.

Friday, September 2, 2011


I think, from here on out, I will post solely on this blog when I have an update or thought... if only because I can access this ten times out of ten.  I've been having issues accessing my blog on Blogdrive, which is rather strange, but oh well.

Parents and Myself.... And a bit of a rant...

Thoughts Regarding My Parents and Myself Aug 13, 11
Something I'm having a hard time coming to terms with is the fact that my parents don't approve of me liking anime, Transformers, cosplaying, and my desire to be a graphic designer.  Is it some suppressed sadness that they have allowed themselves to be forced into "growing up" as they've gotten older?  Is it jealousy that I'm doing my own thing without the constraints of what society seems to think I should be doing with my life?  Is it that they just don't like the things I'm into (possibly.  Then again, they're in their 50s, while I'm a 24-year old.  There's a 28-year gap between Mom and me, and she's younger than Dad by two years) ? Or is it fear that they're losing the little girl who used to play with barbies and wanted to be a ballerina or a doctor?  I'm not sure.

Ever since I got into anime at around 13-14 years of age, I've been told that I'm "too old" for "cartoons".  I have been told that I am "too old" for dolls.  I've also been told that "A 22, almost 23, year old should NOT still have toys!" by my mother.  Each time I've been told I'm "too old" for something, I've dug my heels in and resisted "growing up".  I currently have over 50 Transformers toys in my possessions, as well as several dolls of various makes, with several in various stages of customization.  I am of the firm belief that I should not have to give up the things that I love just because I reach a certain numerical value that states how long I have been alive.  I have believed this for well over ten years, and I have no intention of changing my tune. 

I also do not understand why I should stop cosplaying.  I make all of my costumes, most of them from scratch, and have learned many things from doing so.  I could make my own clothing if supplied with fabric to do so, and I learn about pattern making as well as engineering with the more complicated costumes.  Should I, a 24 year old who is saving her pennies to go to an art school out west (mostly 'cause I'm sick of the cold midwest winters), be forced to give up something that amounts to practice for other, non-costuming-related articles of clothing or whatever I may need to work on in the future to stay comfortable and happy?  No. 

I will not accept that apparent "rule" that says that an adult should never dress up in costume aside from Halloween, and then only if one has offspring, or a costume party to attend.  I will not give up doing something I love just to make someone else (my mom, mostly. Though I suspect Dad doesn't think too highly of my cosplaying either... At least I don't dress in things that are overly revealing!  Most of my costumes would be acceptable every-day wear even in polite company!) happy. 

In short, despite my parents' aversion to me being me, I will not compromise myself just to please them.  If they can't love me for the odd derp I am, then maybe, just maybe, I need to distance myself from them for good.

A Very Serious Topic

... I have no words... May 01, 11
Osama Bin Laden has been killed, according to several well-known news sites like MSNBC and CNN...

I remember all too well what I was doing when I first heard about the attack on the World Trade Center.  I was 14 at the time, in choir class, and was sitting in the front row, fourth seat in from the door. We had just gotten roll call done, when the district administrator entered the room and told us that the World Trade Center had been crashed into.  For the rest of the day, and for many days after, the library was crowded with students and teachers watching the television screens.

As I sit and write this, I have the news on, and President Obama is addressing the nation about this.  It has been confirmed that Bin Laden is dead, as proven by DNA.  This day will be forever remembered, not only by those whose lives were directly affected by the attacks, but by all Americans.

Updated After a Gap

Note to self... Apr 27, 11
Don't neglect this blog for so long next time.

I've been working my ass off this semester, and it's showing. I have at least a B average this semester if not a low A average. I still hate Accounting, but I've been working my ass off to do well in the class.  Unfortunately for me, Accounting 2 is required, as is Statistics, and College Algebra. I'll be taking 16 credit hours this next semester, but thankfully, my Fridays will be free.

End of First Semester

Bad Den.... Dec 02, 10
Yes, I am well aware that I have slacked in updating this blog.  I haven't had much gumption to write on things that aren't school or role-playing related...  I called the Central Access Point earlier in the school year, but never followed through, because I got distracted by schoolwork and other things.  I'm not doing as well in one of my classes as I wanted to, and I have nobody to blame but myself.  I do not like algebra in the least.  I have bombed two tests, and I have two tests left this semester.  Next semester, I have Intermediate algebra, and I believe I will have my required math credit with that class.  I fully intend to talk to a tutor...  But we'll see how well that actually works out. 

November was a bit of a nerve-wracking month for me.  Finals are coming up, and one of my teachers still has not sent me the datafiles I need to complete my project for his class.  I will be reminding him about this today when I have his class.  I have to pass all my classes this semester.  I do not want to be on financial aid probation, because I cannot afford to do that. 

This is quite possibly my last chance to get the hell out of this podunk town.

College Experience Journal Entry #8

College Experience Reflective Journal Entry #28 Oct 12, 10
1. A time that I have felt anger recently was yesterday evening.  I was unsure whether Mom would be back in time for me to have the car so I wouldn't have to cross the highway in the dark to get home from school, so I asked Dad if he would take me to class if Mom got back late.  He was sitting at his computer, burning CDs for a friend, and he told me to walk to class.  Mom has told me that she would rather I not cross the highway at night, and has been either driving me to class, or letting me use the car to get to class.  I was upset that Dad would not take the five or so minutes it would have taken to grab his keys and wallet, unlock the truck, and drive me to school.  I ended up walking and getting about halfway to school when Mom met me coming the other way.  I explained to Mom why I was upset with Dad, and wrote Dad a letter telling him how I felt about the situation that I deleted after I had calmed down.
2. Strategies that I can use in the future when I get angry are writing my feelings down, cleaning something that needs cleaning, or going for a long walk.
Writing my feelings down would help me deal with the anger in a positive way by getting the feelings out, as opposed to keeping them bottled up inside, because I tend not to show my anger as much as I do other emotions.  Writing the feelings down on paper would also give me something to burn when I do purification rituals. The burning of the paper is a way to get rid of the negative emotions and energies tied to the words written on it, which is cathartic and helps me clear my head.
Cleaning something that needs cleaning would help me deal with the anger in a positive way by channeling the emotion into energy and giving me the oomph I'd need to do the cleaning.  It could be something like cleaning my room, or cleaning a sink that needs deep cleaning, or even cleaning up a thrift store find.  This would help me by giving me something to focus on other than being angry, and it would also get something cleaned that needs cleaning, which is always a good thing.
Going for a long walk would help me deal with the anger by putting me into motion.  It would be a physical activity, and since I tend to space off and leave emotions from home behind when I walk, it would help me clear my head.  At the same time, it would channel the emotions into activity in a way that is beneficial to me, as walking is good exercise.

College Experience Journal Entry #7

College Experience Reflective Journal Entries #23 and 24 Oct 11, 10
1. Something I enjoyed learning is how to knit.  I started learning it when I was in High School.  I had a bit of difficulty at first because I had learned how to crochet, which uses different hand movements.  The most helpful thing I did to learn this was to find step-by-step instructions with pictures of how to manipulate the yarn to do particular stitches.  I have a book that I learned the basics from, and I also utilized Youtube videos of basic techniques.  I would spend a few hours every now and then working on practicing knitting.  I had moments of frustration, especially when I was first learning, because the hand movements were so different from crochet.  I still have moments of frustration, usually when my gauge is off, or when I see something I'd like to make, but can't due to lack of yarn or lack of skills.  It's especially frustrating trying to make something that should be made on double-pointed needles, because I haven't gotten those figured out yet.  The rewards for learning how to knit are that I can make things like sweaters, hats, scarves, and blankets, and have things that I could've bought in stores.  It gives me a sense of pride because I can say "Yes, I made that."
1. The most challenging course I'm taking this semester is Elementary Algebra.  I have difficulty with Algebra in general because it is not a visual math, and I do not understand how I could apply what I learn in class to things outside the classroom.  Because I am mostly an innovating learner, I do not like the abstract factor of Algebra. 
2. Some different ways I can work on learning this subject is thinking about the content creatively and metaphorically, studying with classmates who have different learning styles from my own, and by getting tutored.

College Experience Journal Entry #6

College Experience Reflective Journal Entry #20 and 22 Oct 08, 10
1. One of my self-defeating behavior patterns is that I let myself become distracted from time to time.  One example of this is that I will have my homework out and be working on it, but at the same time, I will have a chatroom open on my laptop and be going back and forth between homework and the chatroom.  Some of the possible reasons this occured are because there are a lot of things that go on around me, and the fact that I chose to let these things distract me.  I let myself continue practicing the bad habit of allowing myself to become distracted for a very long time.  This behavior has had the undesireable effect of me putting off important things like schoolwork in favor of doing the fun things first.  I would be more likely to turn in assignments on time and get what is important done first if I were to change the bad habit.
1. I will show up on time.
2. I will put more than passable effort into all of my work.
3. I will participate actively.
4. I will not let anyone bully me.
5. I will go for my dreams.
6. I will accept myself for who I am, flaws and imperfections included.
7. I will focus on what I want for myself, not what others want for me.
8. I will work on my Graphic Design Portfolio regularly.

2. My thoughts and feelings about my rules:
My most important rules are that I will not let anyone bully me, I will go for my dreams, and I will focus on what I want for myself and not what others want for me.  These rules are important to me because in the past, I allowed people to bully me, I let myself be pushed towards things that I did not want for myself, and I was miserable as a result.  The experiences I have had that give additional value to these rules are that I was bullied all through school as a child, pre-teen, and teenager.  I was scared to go for what I wanted because I put value in what my parents wanted for me, when I should have been focusing more on what I wanted, and paying attention to what I really was after.  The rule that I will have the easiest time with is that I will show up on time.  I make an effort to show up at least ten minutes before anything important is set to begin, because I made a choice years ago to do my best to not be late for anything.  The rule that I will have the most challenge keeping is that I will not let anyone bully me.  This will be a challenge for me because I have self-esteem issues, but I'm working on changing that.

College Experience Journal Entry #5

College Experience Post-Assessment Results Oct 07, 10
62: Accepting Personal Responsibility   
75: Discovering Self-Motivation   
53: Mastering Self-Management   
55: Employing Interdependence   
63: Gaining Self-Awareness   
65: Adopting Lifelong Learning   
44: Developing Emotional Intelligence   
71: Believing in Myself
Now compare these scores to my scores from almost eight weeks ago:

Accepting Personal Responsibility:  51
Discovering Self-Motivation:  61
Mastering Self-Management:  30
Employing Interdependence:  38
Gaining Self-Awareness:  37
Adopting Lifelong Learning:  41Developing Emotional Intelligence:  34
Believing In Myself:  46

The scoring for both was as follows:

0 - 39 area where your choices will seldom get you on course.
40 - 63 area where your choices will sometimes get you on course.
64 - 80 area where your choices will usually keep you on course.

It's amazing how far I've come just in eight weeks.

College Experience Journal Entry #4

College Experience Reflective Journal Entry #16 Oct 07, 10
1. Sentence Stems:
1. An outer obstacle that stands between me and my success in college is getting to class on time in inclimate weather.
2. Someone besides me who could help me overcome this outer obstacle is my mom.
3. How this person could help me is by driving me to school if the weather is bad.

4. An inner obstacle that stands between me and my success in college is my tendency to allow myself to become distracted.
5. Someone besides me who could help  me overcome this inner obstacle is my friend Tam.
6. How this person could help me is by asking me if I've gotten my homework done before we work on our stories each night.
7. The most challenging course I'm taking in college this semester is College Experience.
8. This course is challenging for me because I do not like asking for help with things.
9. Someone who could help me overcome this challenge is my friend Kat.
10. How this person could help me is by pointing out time and again that I have people to catch me when I fall.

2. Choices I can make to create a stronger support network:
-I can stay after class and talk to the teacher about assignments
-I can talk to my classmates about assignments and about getting a ride to class when Mom cannot take me to scool
-I can ask Dad for help with my business classes
-I can ask my brother for help with algebra
-I can ask for help

College Experience Journal Entry #3

The entries after the first two may have different numbers associated with them, but I assure you, the title of the entry here is the chronological order that the entries were written in.

College Experience Reflective Journal Entry #14 Oct 07, 10
1. Successes I have created in my  life:
-Graduated High School
-Graduated Job Corps on Honor Four phase
-Traveled on my own over 1,000 miles
-Got a tattoo that means something to me
-Enrolled in college
-Figured out what I want to do with my life
-Overcome my fear of dogs
-Been to over five anime conventions

2. Personal skills and talents:
-Understanding of good characterization
-Musical ability
-Secretarial skills
-Costuming skills
-Duct tape manipulator
-Type at over 80 net words per minute with 99-100% accuracy
-good listener
-Able to laugh at my own "DERP"s

3. Positive risks I've taken:
-Taking a job at a casino in 2007
-Going into Job Corps
-Getting my tattoo
-Asking a girl in one of my very first college classes about her messenger bag
-Applying at SWCC
-Dyeing my hair blue

4. Important actions that I have resistance about doing
-Calling the CPC in order to get help getting to a doctor and or psychologist
-Working on and submitting a project to the AntiCraft web magazine
-Workig on a commission for someone whose attitude I dislike

5. Visualization:
I am writing the information down for my project. I have all of my pictures for my project, as well as the "proof of concept" pictures from my pattern testers. I am excited. Everything is spelled right, gramatically correct, and there are no measurement errors.  The editors of the AntiCraft are excited about publishing my project.

College Experience Journal Entry #2

College Experience Reflective Journal Entry #2 Sep 14, 10
-I see objects for what they could be.
-I am a good cook.
-I can make my own clothes.
-I have a lot of patience.
-I am usually on time.
-I am always willing to try new things.
-I am a NaNoWriMo winner.
-I am funny.
-I do my best to finish what I start.
-I walk most anywhere I want to go.
-I do not let my game characters dying affect my mood. It's just a game.
-I am good at making simple jewelry.

-I am overweight.
-I allow myself to become easily distracted.
-I procrastinate.
-I can be snippy with others.
-I am stubborn.
-I get overly emotional at times.
-I tend to back down rather than try to defend myself.
-I have little patience for people who choose to be ignorant.
-I can be lazy at times.
-I let my pride get in the way of getting help.
-I take things too personally sometimes.
-I snark.
-I tend to forget things.
-I do not express my feelings well.

My self-esteem is about a 6 or a 7 right now.  I think it got to be that way because I allowed myself to become a victim for a few years after my time at Iowa Western Community College, when I basically crash-and-burned due to my own bad choices.  I would like to be more confident and to believe in myself more.  Changes I know I need to make are to stop letting my pride get in the way of getting the help I need, working on getting into shape, and working on stopping thinking like a victim.

College Experience Journal Entry #1

My first semester of college, I had a required class called "The College Experience".  We were required to write journal entries over the course, and that's what a lot of the entries on my other blog are about.

College Experience Journal Entry #1 Aug 31, 10
1.-Score for Accepting Personal Responsibility:  51
-Score for Discovering Self-Motivation:  61
-Score for Mastering Self-Management:  30
-Score for Employing Interdependence:  38
-Score for Gaining Self-Awareness:  37
-Score for Adopting Lifelong Learning:  41
-Score for Developing Emotional Intelligence:  34
-Score for Believing In Myself:  46

2.  My highest score was in "Discovering Self-Motivation".  If I had to pinpoint one or two reasons why that score was higher than everything else, I would have to say that five years of not going after my goals, interspersed with failed attempts at getting out on my own and independent, as well as almost a year at Job Corps followed by a very short job, coupled with my frustration at my situation, had a lot to do with it. 
Some of it was also due to being in my younger brother's shadow ever since he started school a year after I did.  Being compared to him due to his better grades in all areas, while I did well in only a few areas, really hurt.  Even now, I feel like I'm in his shadow because he's been on the Dean's List at his college, and he's done internships in his field of study and done well at those internships.  Always being second best at something like that has driven me to be the best at what I do well, and finding things that I'm good at that he isn't good at, and working on being even better at those things, be it knitting or drawing, or even cooking.
I tend to be stubborn about getting what I want, and I've been learning to put that to good use.  For example, I started Job Corps in April of 2008, and aside from filling out some paperwork and securing a job, I was done by the time December 15th rolled around. 
I had decided that I would not dink around while I was at Job Corps, though I did make time to be social and not hole up on dorm.  I started out on Phase Three, which is the third highest Phase one can be at the Denison Job Corps Center, and maintained that Phase, with steadily improving scores, for most of my time at the center.  I made a decision early on in my time there that I would graduate Job Corps as a Phase Four or Honor Four student, and through hard work, discipline, and a lot of determination, I succeeded.  I graduated as an Office Assistant student, on Honor Four.  I had been a member of the Clown Club, the LRC Monitors, and other recreational activities, as well as being Crew Leader in two areas on my dorm.  Because I was so determined to succeed at Job Corps, and because I put forth the effort, I did succeed there. 
Knowing that I can succeed if I set my mind to it has made me a very self-motivated individual.  I hope to apply what I've learned about myself over the past five years to use in college, and in the Air Force.

3.  My lowest score was in "Mastering Self-Management".  This is something I have struggled with for as long as I have been in school.  A very small part of it is because I have Attention Deficit Disorder, but a lot of it is learned bad habits.  I also tend to choose to do the "Fun" things first, instead of the things that need to be done that aren't "Fun".  I know I need to work on breaking that habit for good if I want to succeed in college.  I have started working on that by not taking the full "recommended" first semester for my major, so I don't have as much on my plate this time around. 
I am working on not being so forgetful of assignments by doing them in a timely manner, and writing them down when the instructor assigns them.  I will also make use of all the sticky notes I have access to, will write down the things I need to remember to be prepared for class and other things throughout my day, and will put them where I will see them as I'm getting ready before I bring them with me.  With consistency, the sticky notes will become habit, and will go a long ways in helping me better manage things in my life.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Determination and Self-Doubt

Thoughts on Determination and Self-Doubt

It seems strange, knowing that I've been out of high school for five years, out of college for four, out of dealer's school for three, and out of Job Corps for two, only to be starting college again next week.  When I graduated high school, I never thought I'd be where I am now.  I had always assumed that I would succeed as a translator and be working in my "dream job" by this point in my life.  It's amazing what reality does when it kicks one in the ass.
The only regret I have about the time between then and now is that I didn't stick to my guns about wanting to go into the military when I was younger.  Granted, I was in worse shape back then than I am now, but I'm willing to bet that I would have... No, I probably would have quit back then.  I needed the life experience I had over the course of the past five years to make me realize that I am just stubborn enough to stick with something, even if I don't like what I have to do.  Graduating from Job Corps with Honor Four as my final evaluation scores showed me that I am more than capable of doing anything I set my mind to.
I recently had a conversation with some friends (who shall remain nameless to protect their privacy, but I'm pretty sure they won't read this anyways.  If they do, that's their choice.), and someone gave me advice on how I shouldn't put all my hopes into the Air Force.  At the time, I got upset and basically clammed up.  I took it quite personally for a couple of days, because I, more than likely, mis-interpreted it as them trying to knock the wind out of my sails. 
When most of what you hear growing up is a comparison of how you aren't as good a student/athlete/whatever as your younger sibling who doesn't have ADHD, stuff like that tends to stick with you.  I know.  I live with that.  My younger brother has always been an A student, and is on the Dean's list at his college.  I always struggled in classes I didn't find interesting.  About the only thing I was good at sports-wise that he had trouble with was Archery, but that was only offered through Phys. Ed.  Archery, picking up languages, and the Arts.  That's all I had going for me throughout high school.
Even though I know I'll likely do well with anything that involves languages, all I can think about is, "Am I going to have this shoved into the shadows by whatever 'Great Thing' my brother does next?"  "Am I just setting myself up for more disappointment in the end?"
Doubting one's self starts in the home.  It takes a LOT to break that cycle.  And something as harmless as some sound advice can be taken the wrong way, sending the cycle into overdrive all over again. 

Posted at 8/16/2010 10:41:28 am by AutobotDen


Thoughts on Alcohol
As I write this, I am about four-fifths of the way through a tall rum and coke.  Any typos will be fixed once I am sober.  Alcohol, while it may be the source of a lot of the evils in the world, is not neccessarily a bad thing.  I can't think of any examples at the moment, besides it being used in cooking to add distinctive flavors to foods, but I'm sure there's something it is good for besides that.  On the flipside, there is a reason it is a bad thing. 
I have witnessed this first-hand with my father.  The man is an undiagnosed alcoholic.  On the "good" days, he's content to keep his mouth shut and pass out in his chair or on the couch.  These days are few and far between.  On his "bad" days, he's argumentative, verbally abusive, and incredibly ill-tempered.  Most of the time, he tends towards argumentative and ill-tempered.  This is steadily getting worse as time goes on...
I, myself, being of legal age to imbibe alcohol, do enjoy the occasional drink.  I have, on very few occasions, drank beyond my normal two or three drinks in one evening.  I do not drink every single day, and generally, when I do choose to drink, I have found that I become a lot less of a wallflower, and I am more apt to speak my mind on things. 
I tend to favor simpler drinks, like rum and coke, Midori (melon liqueur) on the rocks (over ice for those of you who don't know what "On the rocks" means), Kaluha and soymilk (can't drink cow milk anymore), or vodka and cranberry juice, though I do love a drink called "Captain Jack Sparrow", which is Captain Morgan spiced rum, Jack Daniel's, and cola.  I also like margaritas, and Guinness.  Irish Mimosas are another drink I've found I like.  I tend to try at least one new drink when I go someplace I haven't been before. 
One reason I try not to drink too much and not very often, is because of the earlier-stated things I've seen with my dad.  It's only a matter of time before he's pulled over or hits someone due to drunk driving...  I just pray that that will be the wake-up call he needs to get help for his addiction.  I also pray that I never end up like him.
Posted at 8/11/2010 8:43:03 pm by AutobotDen

Changes and New Beginnings

Thoughts on Changes and New Beginnings
As I stated in my first entry, I am going to be starting school on the 25th of this month. As I sit and write this, I have fifteen days till my first day of classes, and only nine days till Orientation, where I will be getting the tools to access my school stuff online, as well as learning where everything is on the campus.  This will be the first time in four years that I start at a school. I am a mix of excited and nervous.  Already this year, I have taken huge steps towards making changes in my life, hopefully for the better.  

In the space of eight months, I have gone from having no idea what I was going to do with my life, to deciding that I wanted to go after my dream of being an interpretur/translator.  I realized around February that I wanted to do this through one of the branches of the military.  I spent the next several weeks trying to find out as much as I could about each branch's Linguistics program, and eventually decided on the Air Force. 

In March, I started walking to the post office and back, which is roughly two miles round-trip.  I decided to do this, not only because I wanted to lose weight, but also because going to the post office each day to check for mail gave me a reason to get out of the house.  I went from just over 220 lbs to my current weight of 204.5 in a matter of weeks.  I am still working on getting down to 180, but given the heat and humidity, I have found it hard to motivate myself to get out of the house as of late.  Despite how icky August weather is, I'm still going to walk to and from school each day.

Another big change I've recently gone through is that I got my hair cut in a bob style.  I have never had my hair in that style, and it's been four years since I had short hair.  I have a friend, who I will hopefully be visiting soon, who has said she will cry when she sees me, since she has seen me with both short and long hair, and prefers longer hair on me.  Part of the reason I did such a drastic change was because of my cousin's wedding in July, part of it was so I wouldn't be as reluctant to cut it short when I went into the Air Force, and part of it was the need to jump-start a major change.

I figure, since the best way to get positive things is to make the effort to make positive changes in one's life, I might as well do major changes and see what comes of those changes.  So far, I've found that since I am making the effort to make positive changes, I have been rewarded with positive things happening.  Granted, I have had my share of difficulties, some of which I will more than likely speculate on at a later date, but so far, things have been going pretty well in the positive things department.
Posted at 8/10/2010 2:50:15 am by AutobotDen

Presenting Myself to Others

Thoughts About How I Present Myself to Others
I've noticed that I tend to behave in what is likely a bit of a self-destructive way.  When I am with my best friend or talking to someone I count as a dear friend, if I start to get upset about something to the point that I'm willing to talk or cry about it, I will start apologizing for getting upset.  I will do my damndest to try and come across as someone who is happy with her life, or I will apologize for being such a downer or bringing the mood down. 

I feel like I don't have the right to be complaining or getting upset about stuff when a lot of my friends don't have as "cozy" a life as I do.  That, or I act as though it doesn't matter that I'm upset about something, in favor of being the "cheery one"...  I feel like I don't deserve to be upset or to be unhappy with my situation, or that I'll be told to shut up for complaining so much about pointless stuff. 

I remember, when I was in Job Corps, I was once told I was "preppy" because I grew up in a middle class home.  I did not have days where I didn't know when my next meal would be, and I always had a roof over my head.  I never had to deal with the "hardships" that a lot of the people in the Job Corps program in my area had to deal with.  It made me feel like I didn't have any right to be miserable.  

Didn't help any that I would hear, on an almost daily basis, stories from the girls on my dorm or the other girl's dorm, about some of the things they went through before they came to Job Corps.  A lot of them came from broken homes, the streets, drug convictions...  They literally had no place else to turn... Then I came along, having been job-hunting since October of the previous year, with only one year of college to my name, and only two jobs under my belt, one of which had only lasted six months.  What did I, the "preppy" white girl, know about hardships?  What did I know about misery?  What right did I have to complain about my life, when there was so much more going for me?

I don't even rant and rave on my livejournal anymore, because I don't want to be told to "Quit complaining about pointless stuff.  You've got a home, you've got food to eat, you've got your family.  Your life is perfect. STFU."   Even though I know I have every right to complain and to get upset about things, I'm too quick to apologize for doing so.  I feel like my friends don't need to hear me or see me get upset about things...  And I don't know how to stop this behavior. 
Posted at 8/9/2010 12:48:33 am by AutobotDen

About Suicide (Read at your own risk.)

Thoughts on Suicide
On one of the forums I participate on, the subject of suicide has come up in recent days.  I do not like discussing the matter, but not because I'm some insensitive b$#^@.  I don't like discussing it because of things in my past, both distant and recent, that I have never shared with anyone, or have only briefly mentioned.
Something that most of my friends and those that know me do not know about, that I'm admitting to for the first time, is that when I was 11, I wanted to take my own life.  I was miserable, I felt I had nobody I could turn to, and that I was not worth anything.  I do not know why I felt that way, but if I had to hedge a guess, I suspect that it may have had something to do with the fact that I was among the first of my peers to start having "ladies days".  I know it sounds like a bit of a cop-out, but as I said, I do not know exactly why I felt the way I did at the time.  I also do not know why I decided not to go ahead with taking my life. 
In high school, I began to feel that way again after several years of not feeling that way.  Though this time, it was more because I felt I would never be "good enough" for people, since my younger brother was the better student, and I felt nobody understood that I am just as smart as he is, but in a very different way.  What stopped me from going through with things this time was the knowledge that I had several friends who I cared deeply for and the knowledge that they would be not only devastated, but disappointed in me.
I have had moments since high school where I have mused about doing the deed, but I've come to realize, I like living too much, and there's so much out there that I haven't seen yet.  I'm not yet ready to go to the great beyond, and most definitely not by my own hand.  I have so much that I want to do yet, and I do not intend to screw myself out of doing what I want to do. 
That is only part of the reason why I do not like to talk about suicide.  The other part, one that is a bit more well-known, is that I lost someone I had only recently begun to think of as a dear friend, because he could not see any other way out.  He was someone I graduated high school with, and like me, he hit a rough patch of life and was a bit stagnant for awhile.  He had started to turn his life around when he ended his life back in 2008. 
It's only been a little over two years, but I still find it hard to talk about.  He and I may not have gotten along when we were younger, but I wanted to reach out and help him, not because I wanted anything in return, but because I cared.  If I had known that he was going down the path he was on, I would have offered help, even if all I could do was be available on the phone and give him someone who would listen.  I had planned on talking to him while I was on summer break from Job Corps, but never made the time to actually look up his number, and call him.  This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. 
I do not like talking about suicide, not because I am an insensitive b$^#@, but because it hurts to dig into old wounds and to think about things that could have been, but aren't because someone chose to end their journey prematurely.
Posted at 8/8/2010 2:50:43 pm by AutobotDen

First post transfer

The first several entries on this blog are transfers from my other ADHD Thoughts blog, so if the date seems wonky on 'em, that's why.

First post, and a bit about me
My name, here, at least, is Den.  I'm 23, soon to be 24, and I will be starting college at a community college on the 25th of August.  I will be attending for two years, graduating with an Associate of Arts in Business Management, and then going into the United States Air Force in Linguistics.  I will be in the Linguistics program, and will be initially learning Russian and Arabic, though I do intend to learn more languages while I am on active duty.  I am a female, and I live in a town of about 6,000 people. 

I have several other blogs, but most of them are for roleplaying games with other people, aside from what has become my catch-all journal for silly things and random musings that don't really seem to show who I really am. Granted, I know I still haven't figured that out, but that's why I created this blog, to serve as a record of my journey and to give me something to look back on when I am older and hopefully a bit wiser.  

I have many beliefs about the world I live in, and the way I interpret things, as well as the goings-on around me. I have a unique way of seeing things, given that I have Attention Deficit Disorder, which is more commonly known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder. The way I process things is different from most people, and I tend to react to things a bit differently than some. If I say or do something that doesn't make sense to someone, it likely makes perfect sense to me at the time. 

A lot of the time, I will likely not make sense, and I will likely jump from subject to subject many times in one post. I apologize in advance. This is one aspect of my ADD/ADHD. The closest I can describe what goes on in my head at any one given moment is a million different radio stations playing all at once, at various volumes. Sometimes, they work together to make a symphony of wondrous proportions, and others, it's just useless and distracting noise. I am not the best at gathering my thoughts, but I will do the best I can to try and make this blog make sense.

One last item to be noted: While I may seem eloquent and well-versed in printed text, I am a lousy conversationalist in person, especially during first meetings. I either ramble like crazy about stuff, or I try not to be noticed. I'm working on not doing either one of those when I meet new people.
Posted at 8/8/2010 1:55:50 am by AutobotDen