ADD/ADHD

So I just realized that I never did give a very good, if any, explanation of why this blog is "ADHD Thoughts"... The reason is simple. I have Attention Deficit Disorder/Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder-Inattentive Type (Take your pick, they're the same damn thing).  Basically, my brain's wired to make paying attention in most 'normal' settings very difficult, but hyper-focus on certain things.  The way I describe it is that it's like there's a billion and one radio stations, playing in every single language at once in my head.  Some days, all I'm getting is indistinguishable noise, some days, I can silence all but a few of the stations, and some days, all of the stations fall into a beautiful harmony that can be incredibly breathtaking. 

As some of you have noticed, I often jump topics.  My brain goes faster than the rest of me can cope with, which means that I may be on topic LMN, but my mouth is still on DEF, which often results in me tripping over my words, repeating myself, and stammering as I try to recover.  I also talk a lot with my hands, and I don't just mean typing.  I gesticulate, fidget, and move my fingers about constantly as I talk. I do it when I'm walking, I do it in the midst of typing, I do it when I'm watching TV...  I do it a lot.

...I had something lined up, I really did.... but like a lot of the stuff I plan out, it fell through a crack, and I'll likely remember it later today..... Thank goodness for the ability to edit...

Denise VS Den

Okay, as most of you who read this blog have guessed, my name isn't actually Den. It's Denise.  My parents, bless their hearts (though I strongly suspect Mom had the most say when it came time to name me properly), were convinced that 'Denise' would suit me for all of my life.  As I've gotten older, this has become so far from the reality that I decided that I would change my name when I was ready to. 

The reason for the desire to change my name stems from being called "Dennis" all through my elementary years and well into middle school.  Every year, without fail, I would be called "Dennis" at least once by a teacher not familiar with my name.  I got picked on a lot for that.  Thankfully, it stopped when I hit high school, mostly due to the fact that my mom worked at the school I attended, so all the teachers knew my name's true pronunciation.  After high school, I went to college....  In English 101, the very first day of class, my professor was taking roll... And yet again, the curse returned.... But I had come prepared.  Moments after "Dennis" ******* was spoken out loud, I looked up, pushed my hood back (at the time, I was wearing an orange hoodie that made me look like a guy from most angles), and calmly said "It's Denise...."  The professor looked at me, looked down at her attendance sheet, looked back at me, and went "Oh... Oh! So it is...." and then I informed her of what I'd prefer to be called... "I prefer 'Den', actually..."

That'd prolly be where I'd say "And the rest is history" ... Except that it's not, really....

To my lawful family, and for all legal purposes, I am still "Denise".  I am still the awkward, inexperienced, oddball of a girl who is apparently destined to never fit in with the rest of the herd and to continue to be in my younger brother's shadow.

To the family I've made over the years (IE: My friends), I'm "Den".  I'm a bit rough around the edges, and quite possibly insane, but for the most part, I'm alright, and what my brother does has no merit on the friendships I've worked at maintaining.

I've come to realize something though.... as "Denise", I feel restricted, like I'm being deliberately held back, and like I will never be good enough in the eyes of my lawful family or in the eyes of some of the people from my past.  As "Den", I feel like the world is mine to shape any way I please, I am the one in control of my fate, and nobody will stand in my way.  Lately, "Denise" has been the one doing the most driving... I'd rather not let that part of me take control.... "Denise" needs to be buried, and looked upon as being the past.  "Den" needs to take charge more often.... I'm very much a work in progress.... I may take the scenic route to get where I'm going, but I'll get there in the end, and that's all that should really matter....

Having a Stupid Moment

So I'm upstairs, cleaning the kitchen... And I've been thinking about the way Mom and Dad have been treating me as of late.... and about how they keep saying how they'll bag up everything I have down in "Dad's Mancave" (AKA the basement of our house), and put it someplace if I don't get it cleaned up/moved elsewhere.  Made me realize something.  Yes, it could prolly be a little less cluttered, I'll give you that... but the thing is, where I DO have as 'My' area is barely the size of the first-floor bathroom.  It's tucked into the corner of the workshop.  There's barely enough room for the card table that a lot of my supplies are piled onto, and the shelf things.  But the size of 'My Workarea' isn't the issue.... it's that I feel like my parents are getting the mindset that since I'm obviously not very useful and I'm just cluttering up things, I should be packed up and tossed out as well...

Granted, I know I'm a piece of work.  I'm not pleasant to be around for extended periods of time.  I have an attitude problem, but at the same time, that attitude problem only comes out when I feel like I'm being treated poorly.  I like it when people meet me halfway.  I'm willing to be the decent person most everyone I know sees me as, but at the same time, I expect to be treated with courtesy and respect.  If you behave decently towards me, I reciprocate in kind.  If you give me attitude or talk down to me, the bitch comes out to play.  Yes, the bitch seems to rear her ugly head a lot, even when she's not wanted, but for the most part, I try to treat everyone the way I want to be treated.  It's just really hard to do that when I get talked down to on a daily basis, or treated like I am not even welcome or wanted.... Especially in my own home....

I know. I know. There're people who don't even have parents/don't have a roof over their heads/are so much worse off than me/etcetera....  So don't come at me with that. Please. I know there are other people out there who would give anything to have the life I have....  I just want a more harmonious home while I'm still here. 

I shouldn't feel like my parents are just waiting for the chance to toss me out like trash.   I shouldn't feel like I'm not wanted.  I shouldn't feel like I'm being treated like I'm such a fucking hassle to deal with that they just want to be rid of me and pretend that I don't exist.   I shouldn't feel like an outsider in my own home...  but I do, and sometimes, it just gets to the point where I have to write something out, to get it into words, or I'll go insane and kill someone, likely one of my parents. 

I hate feeling like this.

*sigh*

A friend of mine's going through some rough times, and people are treating her like shit.  It pisses me off that they think that treating someone that way is perfectly acceptable. It pisses me off more that all I can do is write words of support on her facebook wall and on her deviantart page.  I care about my friends to the point that I would gladly go to jail for punching assholes who give the people I care about a hard time.

Writer's Block 9-24-2011

Riddle me this

What is something that just doesn't make sense to you?
That people assume that everyone in the world thinks like they do and proceed to ask questions with such a mindset.  The ones that do, from what I've noticed and experienced in person (just 'cause I know someone online'll say I'm assuming too), tend to get really bitchy when their assumptions are proven wrong, or they tend to get really verbally abusive and/or bully the person who bursts their bubble.

More Writer's Block Answers

From the first part of September to today:

 "Anybody home? Think, McFly, Think!"

Who is the meanest movie bully?
I have no idea.  I don't really pay attention to bullies in movies anymore...

It’s just a game…

Do you pick truth or dare? Tell us why?
I hate that game... Truth, because I only do dares from the people I trust not to suggest stuff like streaking... That list is a very, VERY short list, and only has about five people on it...

Can't we all just get along?

What is one way to stop or prevent bullying?
 I'm not really sure, short of letting the kid who is being bullied deck the bully/bullies to knock some sense into 'em.  Letting kids know that NOBODY has the right to make them feel bad is a start, I guess... 

Paging Al Gore

Would you give up the Internet for $10 million? (this is for the rest of your life.)
Assumption city.... That being said, are you %*^$#(@#$%ing mental?! I have college classes that I do things for online, as well as one course that is entirely online.  I talk to my friends online, since all of the people I like to talk to live in different time zones from me.  I shop, I play online games... So in short, NO.
 

It happened one night

What is the best thing that's happened to you so far?
Getting to meet Michael McConnohie and Paul Eiding.  I admire their work as voice actors, and I respect them as people.  They're very wonderful gentlemen, and it was an honor to meet them.

Killer Queen

What's your favorite Queen song, and why?
Assumptions...  That being said, I love "Under Pressure", which was done with David Bowie.

MVP awards

What’s the most important thing to you (person, animal, anything)?


My individuality.

Blast to the past

If you could travel back in time, what would you tell your 10-year-old self?

I'd prolly scare the crap outta my 10-year-old self....  

Your 15 Minutes

If you had your own reality show, what would it be called? What would it be about?
Why would I want a reality show?

Freaky Friday

If you could become a member of the opposite sex for just one day, what would you do?
.... I'm not touching this one. 

Excuse me, but there’s lettuce in your teeth.

Tell us your worst date stories. (Don’t worry, we all have them.)

Um, no, WE don't.  Assumption again.... That said, the worst one I've had was the date that ended in me being dumped. Turns out the guy wanted to try and get into the pants of my best friend.  She told him to take a hike. 

9/11

Where were you?
When the first plane hit? Walking to school.  When I was told? Fourth seat in from the door, front row of the alto section in choir class.

Hey Mr. DJ, keep playing this song…

What music lifts you up when you’re feeling down?
Music with a bouncy beat, that I can dance to.  Techno, Trance, Classical, Lady Gaga.... My music tastes are very strange.

Home sweet hometown

What do you like best about your city or hometown? What do you want to change?
 What did I say about assuming stuff?!  I don't like my hometown.  It's isolated, despite having two highways going through it.  The nearest Walmart's a half hour a way for cripe's sake!  I would  move it closer to Omaha, like, a suburb of Council Bluffs, just to have more access to the things I like to do.

Take Two

In the next life, who or what do you think you’ll be reincarnated into?
Hopefully, a better me.  But quit assuming stuff, Livejournal Users. Not everyone wants to be reincarnated, nor do they all believe in it.

Eraser dust

If you could delete one thing in life from ever existing what would it be, and why? (e.g., paper not being invented or the color ‘blue’)
....WTF are you people on?!

Lucas for a day

If you could write the next Star Wars movie, what story would you tell? It could be anything: a sequel, prequel, or anything in-between. Describe your adventure in 300 words or less. Our favorite story will receive a Star Wars saga Blu-ray gift pack!
I don't have Blu-ray. Also, Lucas is a bit of an idjit for trying to rewrite what made him so successful in the first place.

Fashion faux pas

What is the strangest thing in your closet?

...Besides duct tape shoes, and cardboard mecha armor?

On the red carpet

Are you watching the Emmys tonight?

Nope. Not interested in that, but Mom likes to watch the fashion-related stuff.

Talk like a pirate day!

Celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day by scribblin’ ye finest buccaneer-them’d joke in today’s Writer’s Block, arrr, Scrawl.

Top jokes win me booty.
....I apologize in advance for inappropriateness and immature humor:  At a tavern, thar be a pirate sittin' near th' fireplace wit' a parrot named Chess.  Th' bar wench comes over to ask th' pirate about 'is bird, 'n is told th't th' parrot c'n sing.  So th' bar wench asks for proof.  Th' parrot starts a round of "What do ye do wit' a drunken sailor?", 'n carries on fer several minutes. Th' bar wench asks if Chess be after knowin' any other shanties, to which th' pirate replies "Aye, lass. Ol' Chess knows lots o' songs... Show 'er, Chess".  Chess refuses t' perform anythin' but "What do ye do wit' a drunken sailor?" After a few minutes o' th's, th' pirate grabs Chess 'n holds 'im over th' fire.  Chess immediately begins singin' "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!"

Hrrm......

Looking at a friend's Writer's Block livejournal, I kinda wanna transfer some or all of the "Writer's Block" topics here and answer them.... In fact, I think I will do that.

Starting from the first ones I could find... though I may wind up ganking earlier ones from my friend's LJ... For the month of August:

Jumped the shark
Which television show continues to get worse every season and should just get cancelled already?
I don't really watch much television.  The stuff that I do watch, I do enjoy, and I hope they continue for many seasons.  Just FYI: most of what I watch is on the Science Channel.  I happily admit my love for that channel.

A literary masterpiece

Which books will you certainly read to your children, nieces, nephews or godchildren?
I have no intention of having children, and since this question assumes as such or that I am someone who will have nieces, nephews, or godchildren, it's a bit offensive.  That said, if I do wind up reading to nieces, nephews or godchildren, I will be reading them passages from Don Quixote, The Divine Comedy, or parts of my manga collection. 

A stroll down memory lane

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Sheesh, again with the assumptions.... I'd rather be rid of my old memories, since there's stuff in the past that has really messed me up.  Being unable to make new memories would suck hardcore.

Scary movie

What is the scariest horror flick you’ve seen?
Why do they assume that all of LJ watches horror flicks?  I laughed at some of (okay, most) the stuff in the Puppet Master saga, since it was so bad.  In fact, it was so bad, it was good.  Scariest flick I've seen was Blood: The Last Vampire.

You’re giving me a toothache

What is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you?
"I like writing with you." 

Once upon a time…

What is the first line of your favorite book?
Assuming that everyone has a favorite book.... Faaaaail, Livejournal. Fail.   I do have a favorite book though.  From Don Quixote:  "Idle reader: thou mayest believe me without any oath that I would this book, as it is the child of my brain, were the fairest, gayest, and cleverest that could be imagined."

All by myself

What’s one thing that you love to do all by yourself?
 Again with the assumptions... Not everyone likes to spend time alone... I do, and when I do, I usually knit, draw, read, listen to music, or browse the 'net.

It’s Women’s Equality Day!

Do you think women are treated as equals? What changes would you like to see?
*sigh* Assuming.... I'm not touching this one.

You’re perfect, now change

Would you change anything about your significant other? What would it be?
Another one I'm not touching, if only 'cause of the assumptions.

The state of perception

Of the five senses (sight, sound, touch, smell and taste), which would you willing to give up, and why? 
 Sheesh. What is with all the assumptions?  Not everyone wants to give up a sense..... Case in point being me.  Even with all the unpleasant crap in the world, sensory-wise, I wouldn't give up any of my senses.  There's way too many pleasing sensory experiences that I wouldn't want to miss out on.

Everybody hurts

Have you or a friend ever been bullied? How did you get through it?
Assumptions.... *sigh* I have been bullied off and on over the years.  At the time, I didn't handle it well, but as I've gotten older, I've realized how stupid it was to get upset over temporary issues. I'm working on the "You are not even worth acknowledging." Look for when I do get bullied in the future, and I've gotten quite good at it. 

Sweet tooth

What is your favorite candy or dessert?
*sigh* Apparently, August was the month of assumptions. That being said, I really like lemon-flavored desserts.

Pleeeeh

I do NOT like heat and humidity in combination... I have difficulty breathing (due to allergies, but thankfully, I haven't had a major reaction in several years *fingers crossed*) when it gets above 75 if the humidity is high, and most days, when it does get above 75, the humidity is up too.  So I spend a lot of time indoors, usually sitting and working on stuff on the computer, or playing "Just Dance" or "Just Dance 2" on the Wii.  Once it cools off a bit more, closer to my birthday, I'll be more inclined to go outside and do more than just walk to and from the post office or school.  I kind of want to light a bonfire on Samhain/Halloween, but I know I won't be able to unless I visit Kat and her mom.

I guess I'll get back to work on my Deckerd costume for now...

Freaky Dreams

Okay.  So those of you who know me well enough know that my imagination is almost over-active.  At night, this leads to freaky, often nonsensical dreams that are often mildly disturbing.  I don't dream about flying unicorns, fluffy pink bunnies, or talking animals... I dream about walking along highways, car accidents, and getting lost in strange cities, or other things that very well COULD happen to me at some time in the future. 

Case in point is the dream I had just before I woke up for the day:  I was backpacking somewhere... and it had gotten dark and spooky... and there was this little, shady, creepy guy walking along a wall, while I was walking closer to the road... I just KNEW that the guy was up to something... and once I got sick of him following just inside my 'potential threat' perimeter, I turned to tell him off.  He rushed me and I tried grabbing at his jacket collar, but he slipped out of my grip and tried circling around to my blind spot, which I wouldn't allow.  I finally got my hands on his collar and both of his wrists, followed shortly by his ankles as well... He couldn't have been any taller than 5'2", and maybe 100lbs soaking wet... but I hauled him over to this roadside diner that was open at whatever time of night the dream was set....   and as I was telling the waitress that the guy had tried robbing me, I woke up.

One of my friends interpreted it as my mind thinking that my problems aren't so big that they can't be overcome.... I think it's either that, or me realizing that some of the things that scare the utter crap out of me are things that I can deal with and not have to fear anymore....  Maybe we're both right.

Hrm...

I think, from here on out, I will post solely on this blog when I have an update or thought... if only because I can access this ten times out of ten.  I've been having issues accessing my blog on Blogdrive, which is rather strange, but oh well.