Sunday, October 9, 2011

Having a Stupid Moment

So I'm upstairs, cleaning the kitchen... And I've been thinking about the way Mom and Dad have been treating me as of late.... and about how they keep saying how they'll bag up everything I have down in "Dad's Mancave" (AKA the basement of our house), and put it someplace if I don't get it cleaned up/moved elsewhere.  Made me realize something.  Yes, it could prolly be a little less cluttered, I'll give you that... but the thing is, where I DO have as 'My' area is barely the size of the first-floor bathroom.  It's tucked into the corner of the workshop.  There's barely enough room for the card table that a lot of my supplies are piled onto, and the shelf things.  But the size of 'My Workarea' isn't the issue.... it's that I feel like my parents are getting the mindset that since I'm obviously not very useful and I'm just cluttering up things, I should be packed up and tossed out as well...

Granted, I know I'm a piece of work.  I'm not pleasant to be around for extended periods of time.  I have an attitude problem, but at the same time, that attitude problem only comes out when I feel like I'm being treated poorly.  I like it when people meet me halfway.  I'm willing to be the decent person most everyone I know sees me as, but at the same time, I expect to be treated with courtesy and respect.  If you behave decently towards me, I reciprocate in kind.  If you give me attitude or talk down to me, the bitch comes out to play.  Yes, the bitch seems to rear her ugly head a lot, even when she's not wanted, but for the most part, I try to treat everyone the way I want to be treated.  It's just really hard to do that when I get talked down to on a daily basis, or treated like I am not even welcome or wanted.... Especially in my own home....

I know. I know. There're people who don't even have parents/don't have a roof over their heads/are so much worse off than me/etcetera....  So don't come at me with that. Please. I know there are other people out there who would give anything to have the life I have....  I just want a more harmonious home while I'm still here. 

I shouldn't feel like my parents are just waiting for the chance to toss me out like trash.   I shouldn't feel like I'm not wanted.  I shouldn't feel like I'm being treated like I'm such a fucking hassle to deal with that they just want to be rid of me and pretend that I don't exist.   I shouldn't feel like an outsider in my own home...  but I do, and sometimes, it just gets to the point where I have to write something out, to get it into words, or I'll go insane and kill someone, likely one of my parents. 

I hate feeling like this.

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